Nut abouts Christmas

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..............

Sherman set the WABAC machine to the 80's

Some random halloween.

A little nothing

Life
Is full of surprises
It advertises
Nothing
Nothing

Thought du jour

"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."
Beauty is an attraction, but not all beauty is as simple as the color of one's hair or the fullness of one's lips. Slightly scratching away only part of the surface may allow more exposure of the inner beauty that finally captivates.

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE ON MY PHONE

912-xxx-xxxx
11/23/06 12:08 pm

Imagine if the Indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for thanksgiving! Happy thanksgiving




-=-=
My thoughts.... Hmm, I like them hot and moist. Kinda fun stuffing them too.

Unpredictable like the sun and the rainfall

Have you ever thought to yourself "What would my life be like if..."? I am pretty sure we all have. I have had those thoughts. I think about the women of my past and how each relationship could have been different. What I might have done better or reacted a different way. It is kinda fun wonder what could have been. Then for me my thoughts change and I find it hard to think of a world without my children. It saddens me thinking that no matter how improbable it would be to actually change the past if it did change, my children as they are now would not be.


For my relationship now, the only thing I would change about it would be mainly just me. I would try harder to not let so many things bother me. To look for the good more than looking for the bad. Then maybe my perception of the world would be different, almost bearable. Maybe.

What would you change if you could?

Shouldn't have done that

When words come from your mouth
and hang in the air
showing a peer
another side of you
that you come to terms with
and they look at you
and feel sad
can you justify
do you need to

I can relate

I need to be cleansed
It's time to make amends
For all of the fun
The damage is done
And I feel diseased
I'm down on my knees
And I need forgiveness
Someone to bear witness
To the goodness within
Beneath the sin
Although I may flirt
With all kinds of dirt
To the point of disease
Now I want release
From all this decay
Take it away
And somewhere
There's someone who cares
With a heart of gold
To have and to hold

Limited time offer

How about the few people who do visit drop a few suggestions of what they would like to know about. Just reply here with a question or a suggestion and I'll do my best to accomidate. I know this is being lazy of me and asking you god folk to help with the content, but it gives me a chance to find out what you are all interested in.

King Cake?

It is that time again… Time for the company I work for to have all kind of fund-raisers for some random non-profit group. Even though I really did not want to participate I gave in late last night and baked a cake. I did not let anyone know what I had done and got to work early to place CAKE, as it will so be named, in the dining area. As the morning progressed I was soon stopped by co-workers wondering where the sample cake was that they had been anticipating… So I complied and supplied them with the duplicate of the cake to be auction for them to consume, in accordance with the prophecy.

So I will let everyone know if CAKE will be the high bid winner again this year.

Ink and Paper

Last week I found out my friend will be moving. It isn't the end of the world, but I know how bad I am on keeping touch and such. In my we wittle mind I often think to myself that "they don't want to hear your boring kids stuff or non-eventful weekend adventures" and when that sits there for more than a few seconds I just blow off reaching out.

Gonna take a little more effort on my side to keep it going.

Change of address

So here I am moving from that almost unusable msn spaces and following the flock of other fellow ex-spacers. Let's see if I can keep up to date for a while.


Older post from my old blog will be moving over when I have time.

Only

My where does the time go? I remember the days when it seemed I was always doing something and the day would fly by, but now it is slowing down in my life and the time still flies by. Because of this revelation I am trying to deduce some theory of time relativity. Am I reacting slower in the same amount of time as before thus making me seem not as busy? Or is it that time doesn’t hold a value to me because I know that the best intention of using it wisely is not always a guarantee of it not being wasted.

Right now I feel as if I have no direction or path to follow. I don’t think I am looking for guidance from a greater power or a divine intervention. I want to feel like I am moving again.



Now for something completely different.


Martyr

I've been a martyr for love
And I will die in the flames
As I draw my last breath
As I'm closing on death
I will call out your name

I've been a martyr for love
Nailed up on the cross
While you're having your fun
As the damage is done
I'm assessing the cost

I knew what I was letting myself in for
I knew that I could never even the score

I've been a martyr for love
I need to be by your side
I have knelt at your feet
I have felt your deceit
Couldn't leave if I tried

I've been a martyr for love
Tortured every hour
From the day I was born
I've been moved like a pawn
By the greatest of powers

I knew that I would have to suffer in vain
Aware that I would never outgrow the pain

I've been a martyr for love...

small steps towards something

The people around him didn't see the humor in what they were watching. Knowing this just made him chuckle a little more in his head. He didn't feel superior or better, just slightly enlightened. He saw them all as lemmings, mindless and following a predetermined course. Now he just waited for them to jump.

Sponsered by the color blue, er purple, more like indigo.

Have you ever just sat and talked with someone and had the funny sensation that if you weren't already, you could be married to this person?

Not that I am looking for an affair or a replacement, but I have found someone I can talk to and enjoy being around. You may be saying to yourself that it is normal to have this feeling, you have a friend idiot! But since I have sorta isolated myself from becoming friendly with people I am not sure how to be when I find somoene I think would be a good friend. It reminds me of dating in a way, trying to learn about the person, finding those common grounds to talk about and share. Learning that silence is not alwasy awkward. How do you get closer to someone without being misleading or stupid(like omg he is so stupid to think I would be interested in him) esp when I am not interested in having more than a friend. How do I say I like you as a freind without sounding like I am dumping something that wasn't there? Am I being so overly dramatic over nothing?!!? Blah!!



I am bored and can't sleep just yet. I am having a core dump.


btw I was told she said I had a nice butt.

0.0

So much has been going on, but it almost seems like nothing. It is the busy work of being a parent, the responsibility of managing a department and trying to be a person that has me all tied up and seemingly going nowhere. So I once again have been reading and such, but have not been posting.

I have been slacking - I used to ride my bike an average of 150-200 miles a week just last year, but I haven't touched it since last sept. So I am feeling not as active as before. Should I throw on the cycling shorts and shoes and try to get it moving again?

I dunno what is keeping me in this "stuck" mood - but I am here.

Tired and just tired.

Bite my lip and close my eyes....

It is currently 3:18 am. I am sitting in bed unable to sleep.

My wife is out of town attending the baptism of our first niece in DC. She left last night along with her sister and parents. I am home with the 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 8 koi. My wife will not be back until Sunday night. Even though we never seem to go to bed at the same time, I find it hard to sleep alone in our bed when she is not home. I don't necessarily sit here and worry, I just can't sleep.

So I decided to crush the Internet for anything to bore me to sleep. Hasn't worked yet.

So instead I hit a few old spaces I used to visit. I should say tried to hit a few old spaces. It seems more and more are going to private spaces or have moved on to somewhere else.

Is there some spaces flu going around causing people to lock themselves behind the " Access Denied " screen? Or am I being blacklisted because I don't bring a desert to the spaces picnic? Did I say something to offend another spaces person?

No, I know I didn't because there is no point in getting in some drama on the Internet. This big ol wonderful place that feeds us so much information is the biggest bunch of lies and deception. Almost anything can be said here with just about no repercussions. This is the land of make believe. Pretend to be what you always wanted to be.

Blogs allow us to give the world a view of us that might not be true to life. If no one truly knows us that reads it, then no one knows any better. The world is becoming this way. Besides blogs, there are many other ways to be who you are not. Chat rooms, online games, instant messaging, online dating - all of these things are by-products of technology that just allow us to deceive easily.

However, with the same flow of zeros and ones, it allows us to be who we actually are. Some animosity allows us to be free in our thoughts and feelings. It is relieving to be able to say how you feel about something with complete honesty. You can voice your opinion to as many people as you can find to read it without having to worry about falling off the soapbox or getting over stage-fright.

I wonder if there will ever be a way to find out what is really true out there. I hope that not everything I read out here is just put up to deceive me. I am already too untrusting of the world to begin with. I don't need to be learning even the internet lies to me too.

C3

there is always a pain
the source unclear
the intensity varies

clarity
confusion
condemnation

terms I set
strength I need
ineffective

how many times should I reset my emotions
the words I say to myself are true to me
they can even be used to cloud themselves

All in all it's just another brick

It is done.

10 yards of fill sand, 8 4x4's, 750 paverstones and about 400 lbs of gray drainage stones and the outdoor patio is done.

My yard is not level and it took a lot of fill sand and some whacked engineering to build a frame and fill it to have a place for all the paverstones to sit somewhat level. It has been several weekends in the making, but I was determined to get it done this past weekend. As the kids played in their inflatable pool all weekend, I moved paverstones from 3 different piles to the area that had become a giant sand box for the dogs and kids. Out of the possible 750 paverstones I had available to me( I bought 3 pallets and each had 250 stones on it) I believe I have about 150 stones left. The weeks before I had to move the stones from their original pallet to another spot in my yard because my utility trainer could not hold more than 1 pallet at a time. So I would have to pick up the pallet, drive it home, then unload, head back and get another and repeat.

During this building process, close to being complete I took a small break to go and get the gray drainage stones. So I get the family truckster ready to go, drive the 20 miles to the Home Depot and when I get there it is blocked off by every cop, sheriff, emergency vehicle the town has. They were not letting anyone into the shopping center at all. A bomb threat I was told. So I drive 3 blocks down to the normally dead Lowes. Which is now extremely busy. I wonder if it was a lowes' employee, um never mind.

Anyway done done for now.

oh, right, but that was before you dropped off the planet

I didn't drop off it, I jumped

Notice an interesting feature of GMAIL, if one of your contacts is online, it will show you and you can chat with them. So I sent a instant message to my favorite contact and had an impromptu conversation for over an hour. It was great, not just the ability to do this, but talking to the particular person I was checking for email from.

Now it has always been a pleasure to get an email from her and I am a loyal follower of her blog, so it was extra special to have a chance to talk to her in real time. It was just one of those things that made me smile first thing this morning. So Indigo for an hour you had all my attention.

A present for Indi

...taking me where I want to be..

Yesterday, today and tomorrow I will be on a journey. One that has no destination that I am aware of. I travel along the road, not noticing the simple things that should bring a smile. Instead, I keep on traveling not knowing what I am trying to reach. The window I look thru separates me from feelings. The glass is an impervious barrier that no emotions can get thru. Nothing touches me.

But thru the glass others see me. Like the warm light of the sun, their presence slowly radiates thru. They too are on a journey. We travel our road together. I ask them to fasten their seat belt.

Echo

She’ll be my mirror
Reflect what I am
A loser and a winner
The king of siam
And my siamese twin
Alone on the river

She is wearing my t-shirt.

My wife called me this morning telling me how wonderful our soon to be 13year old daughter was this morning when she got up and getting ready for school. I tried several times during the morning to get her out of the bed and get her moving, but she would not budge. I even pulled back the covers and discovered her wearing one of my t-shirts to sleep in. ( the t-shirt says NICE(pronounced neese) in large bold letters with France in tiny letters under it).
So when my wife called me to tell me this she mentioned that she told our daughter it was a nice change for her to be cheery in the morning and the response," That will never happen again." - Yup she is mine.

-----

Sorry for any concern, I turned off reading because I was messing around with colors and then forgot to turn it back on. Since I normally check my site from messenger it logs me right into it and I didn't notice till I went to post before loggin into msm.

Nothing and everything

The blinking cursor offers no insight to me. It only sits there fading from full on to full off to indicate where I have left off.

I cannot get my mind to work the same way. I feel left off from the world. Tasks no longer distinguish themselves from one another.

I feel small, like a child among adults looking up for something from them. Not really noticed and not really ignored. They can’t understand what I want and so they cannot give it to me. I am the adult, unable to comprehend what I am looking for inside. No mystical solutions to fill my empty view, no logic to guide me on what to do.


It is her warmth I am missing. Not some glow of her aura, but the physical warmth she radiates. Sitting here in the air-conditioned office I can almost feel it. If I think about it long enough I can smell her as well. This fragile state she is in allows me to touch her flesh, but not enjoy it’s presence. I want to consume her when I see her. The thought of being the one instead of two is painful when it cannot be. I cannot stop thinking about it. It is the yearning that I always have, growing stronger since the beginning when I first saw her. It is that warmth I feel so close to me.

"So whatcha wearin?"

I happen to see a picture of my wife just a few minutes ago. If she had been here I would have been trying to get me some! Just had to share that urge with everyone.

"More importantly, where are YOU?"

Ah, many ways to answer that one. Instantly my brains says that question rings of transference and an attempt to turn attention to something else instead. I will answer it none the less.

I have been busy. My wife is no where ready to take on what would be her normal routine, so many things are now being handled by me besides the extra attention that she needs. She has to wear this knee-to-under-breast body suit/corset to help her abdominal muscles heal. It is crotchless( no fun with it till much, much later) that has hook and eye fasteners up both sides and then zips on top of those. She has to wear it for about another 4 weeks. Under said device is her dressing for the scars across her lower belly and up to her neo bellybutton. These things need to be changed every few hours for her comfort. Luckily her drain tubes are now out and she can shower with my supervision because the higher temps and her lighter breaths causes her to overheat and she gets light headed. Repositioning of pillows in a bed I harldy get to sleep in calls every 30-45 minutes. The caregiver life is draining me.

tune in

Lacking the ability to write at this moment. The distraction of my blog, no longer well, um, distracts me. Too many things take focus in my mind that randomly seem more important when they are recognized.

I have passed thru the electronic windows of my friends' houses and peered in, but didn't stop by to talk. There is one though that I stopped, stared and wonder where she went.

I feel odd, in control yet in servitude. I tend to my wife's every need because of her discomfort. I see her still as beautiful as ever even with drain tubes hanging from her wiating for me to drain. Her scars fade into her to where I do not see them, but only her. I long for the day that I can hold her tightly without hurting her.

Why must I be blind to the simple happiness that I am surrounded by?

Maybe I should shave today.

Maybe we could be figs even.

Mental Noise

Right now I am sitting in a room with windows for one wall. The glass wraps around in a quarter circle allowing you to view the concrete parking lot. It is starting to show what would be daylight, but the clouds and the rain keep darkness around for a little longer. I have been here since 6 A.M. this morning and will be here for about 6-7 hours. I will try to get some work done, but the light conversations and the sounds of the local newscast are distracting but does not ease my thoughts. Today happens to be Friday the 13th. Sort of a gloomy day to think about and the environment I am currently in fits it. The weather reflects this, the local news cast* reflects this, the mood I am in reflects it. The soothing earth tones of the walls and the art work that coordinates with the bronze colored fabric of the furniture does little to calm my feelings.
Yesterday I did carpool. It is no express lane to pick up your children from school, just another form of lemmings. Move 10 feet, then wait, move, wait. You stare with an emptiness at the children waiting for their escape from this place of learning. As I make my way up I barely notice the commotion of a few small children. Oblivious because of I am waiting to get to the spot to load up and drive off. When I finally arrive I see my oldest talking to my youngest, consoling him with his face hidden inside the opening of his Star Wars back pack. I vaguely overhear the principal saying "tell his mom I'll find out tomorrow." My children get in the car and my youngest is crying. It takes several minutes to get him to mumble anything. My oldest say someone hit him, knocked him down and shoving his face into the concrete. I eventually find out that earlier during the day at recess this same child took my youngest shoe and was keeping it from them, eventually giving it back via hitting them in the face with it. I tried calling the school as soon as I found this information out, but no answer. Instead I sit and think of what I should do.
The windowed room is not the principal’s office or even the school. The windows are here to brighten the waiting room at a surgery center. My wife is having an abdominal hernia repaired. It is the second time for this. Her abdominal muscles separated during the birth of child #2 because of the emergency action that was needed during that birth. It was repaired a few months after that, but she has bared two more of our children since then. The muscles need repair again. She will also be getting a belly-button, something that went away from the first surgery many years ago. She was supposed to remove all of her jewelry before coming here, but was unable to remove her wedding band and engagement ring. She says she has gained too much to do so, I said she was perfect. They put surgical tape over her rings. I know that this is not a life endangering procedure, but I still sit and think about her. I sit and think about my children and how I can protect them from what has happened.
It is hard to come up with a solution that doesn't involve me doing something that could make the situation worse. I do not want to set an example that shows me being a bully or threatening. At the same time, I don’t want to leave it all up to the hands of the school. When it comes to the protection of those I love, there is nothing fear. I must control my impulses, react but not over-react.

score

I wonder what will be of my children. Should pretend to be happy forever living a lie? Do I be realistic and show my dis-enchanted feel of the world? What is the correct path to honesty within yourself if you must set an example of what things could be, not how you perceive them?

My own thoughts murder my intentions. My view has an overlay of anger. I can see things that should be overlooked. Each one growing in intensity as I look at the world, only to be the things that blind me.

The searing pain that scars my mind doesn't stop it from thinking. It consumes my logic to try and prove it point to myself.