Reach out and touch faith

When do you actually feel like an adult? When do the insecurities you have start to diminish? I have been wanting to do something for a long time but I haven't done it. Mental setbacks derail my bullet train of thoughts. The derailing is what keeps me from feeling adultish. I should not be worried or concerned about small trivial things. Worlds do not end, life does not cease to exist because of what I perceive to be a setback. I need to stop stopping the forward movement of life. With life on hold there is no hold music.




Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver

Unpredictable like the sun and the rainfall

Have you ever thought to yourself "What would my life be like if..."? I am pretty sure we all have. I have had those thoughts. I think about the women of my past and how each relationship could have been different. What I might have done better or reacted a different way. It is kinda fun wonder what could have been. Then for me my thoughts change and I find it hard to think of a world without my children. It saddens me thinking that no matter how improbable it would be to actually change the past if it did change, my children as they are now would not be.


For my relationship now, the only thing I would change about it would be mainly just me. I would try harder to not let so many things bother me. To look for the good more than looking for the bad. Then maybe my perception of the world would be different, almost bearable. Maybe.

What would you change if you could?

Shouldn't have done that

When words come from your mouth
and hang in the air
showing a peer
another side of you
that you come to terms with
and they look at you
and feel sad
can you justify
do you need to

King Cake?

It is that time again… Time for the company I work for to have all kind of fund-raisers for some random non-profit group. Even though I really did not want to participate I gave in late last night and baked a cake. I did not let anyone know what I had done and got to work early to place CAKE, as it will so be named, in the dining area. As the morning progressed I was soon stopped by co-workers wondering where the sample cake was that they had been anticipating… So I complied and supplied them with the duplicate of the cake to be auction for them to consume, in accordance with the prophecy.

So I will let everyone know if CAKE will be the high bid winner again this year.

Only

My where does the time go? I remember the days when it seemed I was always doing something and the day would fly by, but now it is slowing down in my life and the time still flies by. Because of this revelation I am trying to deduce some theory of time relativity. Am I reacting slower in the same amount of time as before thus making me seem not as busy? Or is it that time doesn’t hold a value to me because I know that the best intention of using it wisely is not always a guarantee of it not being wasted.

Right now I feel as if I have no direction or path to follow. I don’t think I am looking for guidance from a greater power or a divine intervention. I want to feel like I am moving again.



Now for something completely different.


Martyr

I've been a martyr for love
And I will die in the flames
As I draw my last breath
As I'm closing on death
I will call out your name

I've been a martyr for love
Nailed up on the cross
While you're having your fun
As the damage is done
I'm assessing the cost

I knew what I was letting myself in for
I knew that I could never even the score

I've been a martyr for love
I need to be by your side
I have knelt at your feet
I have felt your deceit
Couldn't leave if I tried

I've been a martyr for love
Tortured every hour
From the day I was born
I've been moved like a pawn
By the greatest of powers

I knew that I would have to suffer in vain
Aware that I would never outgrow the pain

I've been a martyr for love...

Sponsered by the color blue, er purple, more like indigo.

Have you ever just sat and talked with someone and had the funny sensation that if you weren't already, you could be married to this person?

Not that I am looking for an affair or a replacement, but I have found someone I can talk to and enjoy being around. You may be saying to yourself that it is normal to have this feeling, you have a friend idiot! But since I have sorta isolated myself from becoming friendly with people I am not sure how to be when I find somoene I think would be a good friend. It reminds me of dating in a way, trying to learn about the person, finding those common grounds to talk about and share. Learning that silence is not alwasy awkward. How do you get closer to someone without being misleading or stupid(like omg he is so stupid to think I would be interested in him) esp when I am not interested in having more than a friend. How do I say I like you as a freind without sounding like I am dumping something that wasn't there? Am I being so overly dramatic over nothing?!!? Blah!!



I am bored and can't sleep just yet. I am having a core dump.


btw I was told she said I had a nice butt.

Bite my lip and close my eyes....

It is currently 3:18 am. I am sitting in bed unable to sleep.

My wife is out of town attending the baptism of our first niece in DC. She left last night along with her sister and parents. I am home with the 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 8 koi. My wife will not be back until Sunday night. Even though we never seem to go to bed at the same time, I find it hard to sleep alone in our bed when she is not home. I don't necessarily sit here and worry, I just can't sleep.

So I decided to crush the Internet for anything to bore me to sleep. Hasn't worked yet.

So instead I hit a few old spaces I used to visit. I should say tried to hit a few old spaces. It seems more and more are going to private spaces or have moved on to somewhere else.

Is there some spaces flu going around causing people to lock themselves behind the " Access Denied " screen? Or am I being blacklisted because I don't bring a desert to the spaces picnic? Did I say something to offend another spaces person?

No, I know I didn't because there is no point in getting in some drama on the Internet. This big ol wonderful place that feeds us so much information is the biggest bunch of lies and deception. Almost anything can be said here with just about no repercussions. This is the land of make believe. Pretend to be what you always wanted to be.

Blogs allow us to give the world a view of us that might not be true to life. If no one truly knows us that reads it, then no one knows any better. The world is becoming this way. Besides blogs, there are many other ways to be who you are not. Chat rooms, online games, instant messaging, online dating - all of these things are by-products of technology that just allow us to deceive easily.

However, with the same flow of zeros and ones, it allows us to be who we actually are. Some animosity allows us to be free in our thoughts and feelings. It is relieving to be able to say how you feel about something with complete honesty. You can voice your opinion to as many people as you can find to read it without having to worry about falling off the soapbox or getting over stage-fright.

I wonder if there will ever be a way to find out what is really true out there. I hope that not everything I read out here is just put up to deceive me. I am already too untrusting of the world to begin with. I don't need to be learning even the internet lies to me too.

All in all it's just another brick

It is done.

10 yards of fill sand, 8 4x4's, 750 paverstones and about 400 lbs of gray drainage stones and the outdoor patio is done.

My yard is not level and it took a lot of fill sand and some whacked engineering to build a frame and fill it to have a place for all the paverstones to sit somewhat level. It has been several weekends in the making, but I was determined to get it done this past weekend. As the kids played in their inflatable pool all weekend, I moved paverstones from 3 different piles to the area that had become a giant sand box for the dogs and kids. Out of the possible 750 paverstones I had available to me( I bought 3 pallets and each had 250 stones on it) I believe I have about 150 stones left. The weeks before I had to move the stones from their original pallet to another spot in my yard because my utility trainer could not hold more than 1 pallet at a time. So I would have to pick up the pallet, drive it home, then unload, head back and get another and repeat.

During this building process, close to being complete I took a small break to go and get the gray drainage stones. So I get the family truckster ready to go, drive the 20 miles to the Home Depot and when I get there it is blocked off by every cop, sheriff, emergency vehicle the town has. They were not letting anyone into the shopping center at all. A bomb threat I was told. So I drive 3 blocks down to the normally dead Lowes. Which is now extremely busy. I wonder if it was a lowes' employee, um never mind.

Anyway done done for now.

oh, right, but that was before you dropped off the planet

I didn't drop off it, I jumped

Notice an interesting feature of GMAIL, if one of your contacts is online, it will show you and you can chat with them. So I sent a instant message to my favorite contact and had an impromptu conversation for over an hour. It was great, not just the ability to do this, but talking to the particular person I was checking for email from.

Now it has always been a pleasure to get an email from her and I am a loyal follower of her blog, so it was extra special to have a chance to talk to her in real time. It was just one of those things that made me smile first thing this morning. So Indigo for an hour you had all my attention.

A present for Indi

She is wearing my t-shirt.

My wife called me this morning telling me how wonderful our soon to be 13year old daughter was this morning when she got up and getting ready for school. I tried several times during the morning to get her out of the bed and get her moving, but she would not budge. I even pulled back the covers and discovered her wearing one of my t-shirts to sleep in. ( the t-shirt says NICE(pronounced neese) in large bold letters with France in tiny letters under it).
So when my wife called me to tell me this she mentioned that she told our daughter it was a nice change for her to be cheery in the morning and the response," That will never happen again." - Yup she is mine.

-----

Sorry for any concern, I turned off reading because I was messing around with colors and then forgot to turn it back on. Since I normally check my site from messenger it logs me right into it and I didn't notice till I went to post before loggin into msm.

"So whatcha wearin?"

I happen to see a picture of my wife just a few minutes ago. If she had been here I would have been trying to get me some! Just had to share that urge with everyone.

"More importantly, where are YOU?"

Ah, many ways to answer that one. Instantly my brains says that question rings of transference and an attempt to turn attention to something else instead. I will answer it none the less.

I have been busy. My wife is no where ready to take on what would be her normal routine, so many things are now being handled by me besides the extra attention that she needs. She has to wear this knee-to-under-breast body suit/corset to help her abdominal muscles heal. It is crotchless( no fun with it till much, much later) that has hook and eye fasteners up both sides and then zips on top of those. She has to wear it for about another 4 weeks. Under said device is her dressing for the scars across her lower belly and up to her neo bellybutton. These things need to be changed every few hours for her comfort. Luckily her drain tubes are now out and she can shower with my supervision because the higher temps and her lighter breaths causes her to overheat and she gets light headed. Repositioning of pillows in a bed I harldy get to sleep in calls every 30-45 minutes. The caregiver life is draining me.

tune in

Lacking the ability to write at this moment. The distraction of my blog, no longer well, um, distracts me. Too many things take focus in my mind that randomly seem more important when they are recognized.

I have passed thru the electronic windows of my friends' houses and peered in, but didn't stop by to talk. There is one though that I stopped, stared and wonder where she went.

I feel odd, in control yet in servitude. I tend to my wife's every need because of her discomfort. I see her still as beautiful as ever even with drain tubes hanging from her waiting for me to drain. Her scars fade into her to where I do not see them, but only her. I long for the day that I can hold her tightly without hurting her.

Why must I be blind to the simple happiness that I am surrounded by?

Maybe I should shave today.

Maybe we could be figs even.

Mental Noise

Right now I am sitting in a room with windows for one wall. The glass wraps around in a quarter circle allowing you to view the concrete parking lot. It is starting to show what would be daylight, but the clouds and the rain keep darkness around for a little longer. I have been here since 6 A.M. this morning and will be here for about 6-7 hours. I will try to get some work done, but the light conversations and the sounds of the local newscast are distracting but does not ease my thoughts. Today happens to be Friday the 13th. Sort of a gloomy day to think about and the environment I am currently in fits it. The weather reflects this, the local news cast* reflects this, the mood I am in reflects it. The soothing earth tones of the walls and the art work that coordinates with the bronze colored fabric of the furniture does little to calm my feelings.
Yesterday I did carpool. It is no express lane to pick up your children from school, just another form of lemmings. Move 10 feet, then wait, move, wait. You stare with an emptiness at the children waiting for their escape from this place of learning. As I make my way up I barely notice the commotion of a few small children. Oblivious because of I am waiting to get to the spot to load up and drive off. When I finally arrive I see my oldest talking to my youngest, consoling him with his face hidden inside the opening of his Star Wars back pack. I vaguely overhear the principal saying "tell his mom I'll find out tomorrow." My children get in the car and my youngest is crying. It takes several minutes to get him to mumble anything. My oldest say someone hit him, knocked him down and shoving his face into the concrete. I eventually find out that earlier during the day at recess this same child took my youngest shoe and was keeping it from them, eventually giving it back via hitting them in the face with it. I tried calling the school as soon as I found this information out, but no answer. Instead I sit and think of what I should do.
The windowed room is not the principal’s office or even the school. The windows are here to brighten the waiting room at a surgery center. My wife is having an abdominal hernia repaired. It is the second time for this. Her abdominal muscles separated during the birth of child #2 because of the emergency action that was needed during that birth. It was repaired a few months after that, but she has bared two more of our children since then. The muscles need repair again. She will also be getting a belly-button, something that went away from the first surgery many years ago. She was supposed to remove all of her jewelry before coming here, but was unable to remove her wedding band and engagement ring. She says she has gained too much to do so, I said she was perfect. They put surgical tape over her rings. I know that this is not a life endangering procedure, but I still sit and think about her. I sit and think about my children and how I can protect them from what has happened.
It is hard to come up with a solution that doesn't involve me doing something that could make the situation worse. I do not want to set an example that shows me being a bully or threatening. At the same time, I don’t want to leave it all up to the hands of the school. When it comes to the protection of those I love, there is nothing fear. I must control my impulses, react but not over-react.

Glad to be me. (never thought I would say that)

Sometimes
Only sometimes
I question everything
And I'm the first to admit
If you catch me in a mood like this
I can be tiring

Ah the holidays... Nothing like family gettogethers to show how screwed up people in general, especially your own family members, can be.
This entry is about my younger brother. He is just 4 years younger and we share what I thought to be several traits in common. We are both very good at solving problems( I am talking about the male kind of problems like fixing stuff, not people). We look alike( I am taller by a few inches). We both come up with crazy ideas at the same time etc... You get the picture.

Well, lil'bro is working out of marriage #2. He wasn't even completely out of #1 when he had the wedding ceremony for #2 take place. Yeah, I was supposed to keep that a secret but, so what. Him and wife#2 separated before the hurricane hit here. Things were not working out for them and I was actually supportive of his decision. I did not think it was a smart one to begin with. So for a while I was calm inside knowing that wife#2 was no longer going to be part of our extended family.

So during the holidays I was talking to him on the phone trying to find out what my two lovely nephews would like for gifts(I really do love my nephews and no mean spirited connotations should be felt from that last statement in comparison to the entire post) when I ask my brother what is wrong. He leads on to him getting his soon to be ex-wife#2 is pregnant. Since I was in a store during the season of stupid shoppers, I suggested we finish this conversation at a later time. So Christmas eve is the time it is discussed. Apparently sometime after the hurricane they decided to get back together as a "dating" couple and were not going to get the mixed kids involved. Well shithead and shitheadess didn't think to take precautions and now she is pregnant. The thoughts of how fucking different we are ran through my head. He has cheated on past girl-friends, before meeting wife#2 he slept around with women he met on the internet for one-nighters, he is not me. I also had thoughts of our families now having to bear each other for however long pissed me off as well.

During our discussion of how he knows he was stupid and weak et al, he mentions abortion. The night goes on and I eventually leave with my kids. On the hour long drive back home I call my wife(she was sick and I didn't want her to to suffer company while under the weather) and tell her we need to talk. In my mind I could not let an unborn child die because their birth parents were too stupid to do better and possible be unwilling to care for it. When I got home and I got the kids to bed, I told her of my idea to offer to adopt if they were choosing the pre-emptive route. We are not rich people and our house fits us OK now, but we can always make room for another. She agreed and did not see this as a sacrifice. I do not see it as that either. The next day we polled the kids and they were even supportive of it. I made the call and told my brother our offer. It is still undecided on their part. I guess we will find out in the coming months.

Wild Kingdom

Look outside at the people moving round. I do not know where they go and what they have found. Could it be special? Could it be plain? Could it be something that I lost in the rain? I watch the people move and watch them talk. I see their mouths moving and drown out their words. My thoughts are not with them as I look around, instead they focus on an ant on the ground. It travels along a predetermined path , lead by those before it by some scent from their ass. As I study the ant I look up again and now see the people doing the same thing.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. wonderful=busy

Ah, the holidays, the time when all people should be coming together to spread peace and joy to one another. The time when kindness, patience and understanding should be on our minds.

The truth is it isn't that time of the year. It is sales time of the year. It is mass hysteria time of the year. It is everyone trying to be more that they can be time of the year. Unless you have absolutely no other person in your life, then you are busy with something related to the "Spirit of Christmas". It can be school functions - kids parties, performances, dance, or lynching.. Work related holiday cheer - parties(again), signing those thousand of corporate Christmas cards or just the little gift swap stuff( gee what do I buy for that metrosexual in accouting?!?) Then their is family stuff - who is hosting what event where, which grandparent is seeing kids in a.m. and which in p.m., turkey or ham, did you get your aunt something, who the hell is this that we are sending a card to...

You get the picture.

During these wonderous times we get busy and things tend to distract us from normal routine.

In fact, I don't recall the point of this entry.

Fresh Pine Scent

If you didn't already know, let me tell you I have 4 kids. My youngest is 4. I also have 2 dogs and a cat. This time of year it is exciting for all of them. the kids know Christmas is coming with all the fun associated with it. A day or so after Thanksgiving the Christmas decorations come out and get hung around the house. The tree goes up and bulbs are checked and then we decorate um, sort of decorate. You see since we have had small children in the house for a while now we never decorate the lower half of the tree. Even with my youngest knowing to not play with the decorations we still can't decorate the lower section because the pets love to play with them. The cat thinks it is fun to try and climb the faux branches and chew on the lighting. The dogs love the soft, cuddly ornaments and some of the hard crunchy ornaments. They have no real preference in which ones to destroy.

So in the corner of the living room sit the tree with the undressed bottom. It is the Christmas strip show. Just don't ask for a lap dance, I would think it would be similar to a gyrating toilet brush in the fun zone.

American Standard

I don’t know how to react anymore. I have placed myself in a state of perpetual motion, moving through life without touching it. At least that is how I feel. I know that what I do from day to day does affect others. I know that my action and words can mend and hurt. Deep down I care, but I don’t want the world to know. I don’t want the world to be able to take advantage of the hidden kindness. I want to be unnoticed. I want to be seen but not questioned. I do not want any recognition for what should be normal. I do not like putting on the mask of joy for every little event around me. Even though every event could be seen as special, I do not feel like they are. This display, to me, lessens the value of true joy and happiness. It must be done though to avoid the possible detrimental effects of others. It is said to be selfish to only think of oneself, but what if no one else thinks of you? Someone left an empty roll.

Where do you want to go today?

Can't really think of anyting special to say today. So instead I am going to post my desktop from work. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Here is my desktop without some applications running.

The thrill-a-minute excitement of windows. By the way, Windows turns 20 this year.