Been waiting for the night to fall

Go about everyday just waiting for the end

poke me in the eye

Most of the time a fail to see.
I am looking, staring, watching, but I do not process the images.
The images seem to blend into each other, no characteristics to separate them.
It is mundane, prosaic, or just ordinary.
As I begin to examine this lusterless scene, the finer parts come to focus.

Something inside me must actively keep the focus.
Too many intricacies fight for the focus.
Breaking it down and causing blindness.

Two for the price of one

Eighteen years ago I ran off to a justice of the peace with the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We eloped with his wife as our witness to the legal process. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else at that time and I still cannot. I didn't want to let her go and made the decision to ask her to marry me. We were young and many didn't expect it to last for long. Some of our peers from back then are working on 2nd divorces. Rumors back then also placed us as rushing to cover up some un-expected child. Thru that and the questioning from family and friends in the early days we have made it and are accepted and loved.

While we have had our little annoying times in the end, and still to this day, I will always love my wife and wouldn't change a thing.


Fourteen years ago our first child was born. Even though she isn't big on hugging and PSA I still think back to when on her very first day that she slept on my chest in the LDR and I realized that there can always be more room in your heart.

Shouldn't have done that

When words come from your mouth
and hang in the air
showing a peer
another side of you
that you come to terms with
and they look at you
and feel sad
can you justify
do you need to

Sponsered by the color blue, er purple, more like indigo.

Have you ever just sat and talked with someone and had the funny sensation that if you weren't already, you could be married to this person?

Not that I am looking for an affair or a replacement, but I have found someone I can talk to and enjoy being around. You may be saying to yourself that it is normal to have this feeling, you have a friend idiot! But since I have sorta isolated myself from becoming friendly with people I am not sure how to be when I find somoene I think would be a good friend. It reminds me of dating in a way, trying to learn about the person, finding those common grounds to talk about and share. Learning that silence is not alwasy awkward. How do you get closer to someone without being misleading or stupid(like omg he is so stupid to think I would be interested in him) esp when I am not interested in having more than a friend. How do I say I like you as a freind without sounding like I am dumping something that wasn't there? Am I being so overly dramatic over nothing?!!? Blah!!



I am bored and can't sleep just yet. I am having a core dump.


btw I was told she said I had a nice butt.

C3

there is always a pain
the source unclear
the intensity varies

clarity
confusion
condemnation

terms I set
strength I need
ineffective

how many times should I reset my emotions
the words I say to myself are true to me
they can even be used to cloud themselves

...taking me where I want to be..

Yesterday, today and tomorrow I will be on a journey. One that has no destination that I am aware of. I travel along the road, not noticing the simple things that should bring a smile. Instead, I keep on traveling not knowing what I am trying to reach. The window I look thru separates me from feelings. The glass is an impervious barrier that no emotions can get thru. Nothing touches me.

But thru the glass others see me. Like the warm light of the sun, their presence slowly radiates thru. They too are on a journey. We travel our road together. I ask them to fasten their seat belt.

Nothing and everything

The blinking cursor offers no insight to me. It only sits there fading from full on to full off to indicate where I have left off.

I cannot get my mind to work the same way. I feel left off from the world. Tasks no longer distinguish themselves from one another.

I feel small, like a child among adults looking up for something from them. Not really noticed and not really ignored. They can’t understand what I want and so they cannot give it to me. I am the adult, unable to comprehend what I am looking for inside. No mystical solutions to fill my empty view, no logic to guide me on what to do.


It is her warmth I am missing. Not some glow of her aura, but the physical warmth she radiates. Sitting here in the air-conditioned office I can almost feel it. If I think about it long enough I can smell her as well. This fragile state she is in allows me to touch her flesh, but not enjoy it’s presence. I want to consume her when I see her. The thought of being the one instead of two is painful when it cannot be. I cannot stop thinking about it. It is the yearning that I always have, growing stronger since the beginning when I first saw her. It is that warmth I feel so close to me.

Mental Noise

Right now I am sitting in a room with windows for one wall. The glass wraps around in a quarter circle allowing you to view the concrete parking lot. It is starting to show what would be daylight, but the clouds and the rain keep darkness around for a little longer. I have been here since 6 A.M. this morning and will be here for about 6-7 hours. I will try to get some work done, but the light conversations and the sounds of the local newscast are distracting but does not ease my thoughts. Today happens to be Friday the 13th. Sort of a gloomy day to think about and the environment I am currently in fits it. The weather reflects this, the local news cast* reflects this, the mood I am in reflects it. The soothing earth tones of the walls and the art work that coordinates with the bronze colored fabric of the furniture does little to calm my feelings.
Yesterday I did carpool. It is no express lane to pick up your children from school, just another form of lemmings. Move 10 feet, then wait, move, wait. You stare with an emptiness at the children waiting for their escape from this place of learning. As I make my way up I barely notice the commotion of a few small children. Oblivious because of I am waiting to get to the spot to load up and drive off. When I finally arrive I see my oldest talking to my youngest, consoling him with his face hidden inside the opening of his Star Wars back pack. I vaguely overhear the principal saying "tell his mom I'll find out tomorrow." My children get in the car and my youngest is crying. It takes several minutes to get him to mumble anything. My oldest say someone hit him, knocked him down and shoving his face into the concrete. I eventually find out that earlier during the day at recess this same child took my youngest shoe and was keeping it from them, eventually giving it back via hitting them in the face with it. I tried calling the school as soon as I found this information out, but no answer. Instead I sit and think of what I should do.
The windowed room is not the principal’s office or even the school. The windows are here to brighten the waiting room at a surgery center. My wife is having an abdominal hernia repaired. It is the second time for this. Her abdominal muscles separated during the birth of child #2 because of the emergency action that was needed during that birth. It was repaired a few months after that, but she has bared two more of our children since then. The muscles need repair again. She will also be getting a belly-button, something that went away from the first surgery many years ago. She was supposed to remove all of her jewelry before coming here, but was unable to remove her wedding band and engagement ring. She says she has gained too much to do so, I said she was perfect. They put surgical tape over her rings. I know that this is not a life endangering procedure, but I still sit and think about her. I sit and think about my children and how I can protect them from what has happened.
It is hard to come up with a solution that doesn't involve me doing something that could make the situation worse. I do not want to set an example that shows me being a bully or threatening. At the same time, I don’t want to leave it all up to the hands of the school. When it comes to the protection of those I love, there is nothing fear. I must control my impulses, react but not over-react.

score

I wonder what will be of my children. Should pretend to be happy forever living a lie? Do I be realistic and show my dis-enchanted feel of the world? What is the correct path to honesty within yourself if you must set an example of what things could be, not how you perceive them?

My own thoughts murder my intentions. My view has an overlay of anger. I can see things that should be overlooked. Each one growing in intensity as I look at the world, only to be the things that blind me.

The searing pain that scars my mind doesn't stop it from thinking. It consumes my logic to try and prove it point to myself.

Pinhole

I have been sick lately. So has most of my family. But while at home yesterday I tried to answer some emails and handle some work from my laptop in the bedroom. I sat on the chair typing away. My wife started to lay down in the bed and quickly drifted off to sleep as I "click click" on the keyboard. I look up to see just her face sticking out from the covers. She is about 7 feet away from me, but by looking at her I can feel her warm, soft skin. I stop typing to talk to her while she rest, all the while still mesmerized her peaceful beauty. She doesn't respond or move, only calm shows across her face. It is at that moment that the black gains a small focal point.

4B0082

Black is the absence of light. It is also the lack of reflection of color, absorbing the incoming light and reflecting nothing for the eye to see. The light that surrounds me still shines brightly, displaying such beautiful colors. Visually appealing and stimulating, it dances around the deep darkness.

I have nothing to reflect to show a color to represent me. Black being able to suck all colors into it fits. I do not live in the shadows, out of view, covered by the clouds. I live within the spectrum of light, they reflect so brightly.

I do not want to be black. It is not fun to suck the color and light from the world around me and trap it inside the darkness. I have tried to allow the bright world to be my friend; in small amounts I can see the light again. Small amounts are all I am capable of doing.

polish

The world could never be as beautiful as it is thru a child's eyes
The simple things that are so common as an adult mystify them
We grow older accepting the responsibilities of our lives only to slowly lose the youth in our thoughts
The world doesn't seem to be the same wonderous place to me
It isn't shiny

No guarantees

During the holidays you often get calls from friends and family that you haven’t heard from all year long. The pleasant conversations across the wires and cables strung across the world begin. As the calls come in you get into the routine of catching up. You repeat the same message over and over. I was doing that this past week, except for one day. A friend called who is also the parent of my daughter’s close friend. Since my daughter switched schools she hasn’t been hanging around the same people on the weekends. This friend still calls to chat and such. Well the mom called to talk to me because a mutual friend of our daughters was killed the day before thanksgiving. She had called to let us know and explained the events and when services were to be held. My daughter is 12 and this is the first time someone has passed away, someone who she played with for years. Holiday ruckus was going on at home. The kids were being kids as I was busy prepping everything for the meal/visits. As kids go, they will often get moody when people are busy trying to get things done so the normal spats were going on with me and my pre-teen daughter because she was bored. Then I get the call and I have to talk to her about it. For face value she took it well, but after we walked out of the room, she had to spend some time alone outside away from her other siblings. I didn’t pursue her to see if she was ok, I felt it would be best to let her be. Then next evening after the meal I was thinking should I get her to go to the wake and say her final goodbyes or just let her make the choice herself. By nature she is shy and to be placed in a situation that isn’t the happiest with some stranger would not be beneficial to her personality. She chose not to go and I supported that. It still does not make it easier to let go.

Brittany was 11.

What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

I was the oldest child of two boys. Raised by a mother who in her own ways taught me compassion and respect. When I was 16, I became the older brother to a sister. By the time she turned 3, I was already married and long away from home. So I do not know what it was like to have a sister.

I have stumbled across a few people here in this virtual world based on real feelings and thoughts that make me wish I had a sister closer to my age. I read their entries and relate. Some of them seem so close to my own feelings. Other are just a glimpse of their world. These blog sisters vary in style, mannerisms and topics. Each one has their own special appeal to me. I do not know all of their real name. I do not know what they all look like. I don't know if how I envision them fits their true person. Not really how they look, but how they are outside this almost anonymous enviroment. I would be lucky to have an older sister Kay/Rain or a twin sister Indigo/Rose.

For now though, I have to settle for them as my virtual drinking buddies. Which is pretty damn good too.

One Oh One

1. My real name is Darren.
2. Red is my favorite color.
3. I like the number 9.
4. I was born in New Orleans.
5. I am a product of the first years of Sesame Street.
6. When I was a baby I had to wear braces on my legs. Before the braces I had cast and people would ask my mom how I broke my legs, she would say “Skiing”
7. My legs weren’t broke – I have not broken any bones in my body yet.
8. My father was a biker.
9. He died from complications of a motorcycle accident when I was 8.
10. I have a brother 4 years younger than me.
11. He doesn’t remember much of our father.
12. I have known my wife since she was a freshman in high school.
13. I knew she was the one I was going to marry when I first saw her.
14. Our first child was born on our 4th anniversary.
15. Depeche Mode released Songs of Faith and Devotion that same day in the U.S.
16. Depeche Mode is one of my favorite bands.
17. Technically I have been married twice – we eloped and then one year later on the same day, we remarried in a church ceremony for everyone else.
18. I like spicy food.
19. I don't like the texture of peppers though.
20. I enjoy cooking.
21. I almost never follow recipes.
22. I have been investigated by the FBI.
23. My four children have 3 letter names that are not abbreviations of other names.
24. My eyes are hazel.
25. I have no tattoos.
26. I enjoy figuring out how something works.
27. Contrary to how I looked when I was younger, I never did any type of drugs.
28. Still have not tried.
29. I know I won’t try.
30. I can do almost anything I put my mind to.
31. except have babies
32. and maybe surgery – better with a chain saw than a scalpel.
33. I tend to listen more than talk when meeting new people.
34. This somehow intimidates people.
35. My wife’s friends were scared of me.
36. That was fun.
37. I take my kids to their friend’s b-day parties.
38. I am usually the only guy there among the soccer mom set.
39. One mom asked me to be her husband for the day at her son’s party because hers was out of town for the month.
40. I have chased a cow out of my yard.
41. I have a hard time relaxing.
42. I have been told I am adhd. Did you see that show the other night? Saying “email” over and over sort of loses meaning. Are you going to eat that?
43. I love snow.
44. I can ice skate.
45. I played hockey one year.
46. I was a DJ in college.
47. I was too mischievous in college.
48. I didn’t finish college

49. I wanted to be a teacher.
50. I’ll change a flat tire for stranded people.
51. I’ll try to help anyone who asks.
52. I want to tell people they are beautiful without them thinking I am hitting on them.
53. I am a certified ethical hacker.
54. I was an ASE Master mechanic
55. My i-pod always needs charging
56. I have made co-workers cry.
57. I am more of a ninja than a pirate.
58. I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside.
59. I wear boxer briefs.
60. I prefer pointillism over fresco
61. salty over sweet
62. I do not drink coffee
63. I fell asleep riding my bike once.
64. Brie over bleu
65. I had to find my boss' severed finger once.
66. I don't freak out in a crisis.
67. I see humor in almost everything.
68. I have a high threshold for pain.
69.
70. Stood in line for Joshua Tree tickets for two days, then got in trouble for doing that and was grounded from the show - gave the tickets away to some girls I knew.
71. I have owned and used an acoustic modem.
72. I have no musical talent.
73. I have never smoked.
74. I have a 12 foot vertical ramp in my back yard
75. I do not skate.
76. I prefer the feel of cotton.
77. I am a Libra.
78. I share the same birthday as Bob Geldolf.
79. I think this entry has too much social engineering viability.
80. I have won the halloweeen costume contest at almost every job I have had.
81. I am never satisfied with what I do.
82. I have been to Europe.
83. ...and exotic places like Appleton, Wisconsin.
84. I was into me before I sold out and went corporate.
85. I miss Mike.
86. I owned a Pocket Fisherman by RONCO.
87. I have missed death three times: a)hit by a car on a motorcycle b) stupid friend fired off one round that flew right past my head c) While training for a 150 mile ride a car missed me by 3 inches as my fellow riders freaked out.
88. We are no longer friends.(see b. in 87)
89. I rode in a Mardi Gras parade.
90. During the whole route all I could think about was seeing my girlfriend(wife)
91. I would like to travel more.
92. ...and meet people.
93. I want to learn how to build a barn like the Amish do.
94. I hate shaving.
95. ...but do it anyway.
96. I just noticed my sock has a hole in it.
97. I love bacon!
98. I do the grocery shopping. I see bacon in the future.
99. I like the "Big Nasty" with sweet tea.
100. Still kisses with saliva.
101. If I could be who you wanted. All the time, all the time.

Stop hogging the covers

There is no light for me to see with
Darkness, though seemingly lifeless, is not always silent
The drone of the environment subtly distracts
Not here and not gone
Dreams tiptoe in and out
Sudden warmth felt
An embrace to free the grasp of the dreams
Sounds grow stronger overcoming the drone
Even with eyes closed, radiance removes the darkness
Now there is just one complete feeling from two

Feelgood, INC.

The road almost seemed to disappear under the dried leaves, but I knew it was there. The ruts made in the underlying gravel guided the car thru the turns and over the small bridge. The few houses that line the road were hardly noticeable behind the trees. The distance between the car and it's final destination shortened every second. Music played thru the car's speakers, but it was barely heard above the low pitched grumble of the tires displacing the gravel and leaves. The music didn't matter much as the car turned into the driveway and came to a halt. "Daddy is home!" from the 4 little voices was all that mattered.

It's just the dawning of our love

The past few weeks have been tiring and difficult. Physically and emotionally, the aftermath of Katrina has taken a toll on all parts of my life. There is one part though that has changed in a way I didn't really expect. There has only been one day since we evacuated that my wife and I did not fcuk. I am not talking about the 10 minute quickies, I mean 40 - 60 minute sessions. Even when we were sharing a room with the kids in the hotel, we somehow were able to have a lot of fun. With 10 people staying in my house, sleeping on inflateable mattresses, we with no air conditioning, we thoroughly enjoyed each others company. Only the one day when our youngest child slept with us that we just slept.

Being me, I tend to try and analyze things to satisfy my quest for understanding. At first I was thinking it was the thrill of being caught or atleast being over-heard by those with us. But, we have been caught before and it didn't stop us. ( many years ago we were staying at her parent's house and her father walked right in the bedroom while we were at it and started to talk to us - we didn't stop) Then I was thinking it was some stress relief because of our situation. Not too many natural things can relax you as an orgasm or two.

I think it is something more. During all this time, I felt closer to my wife than I had in years. Not the sex part, but the feel of being happy to still be with her. To still feel alive when I look at her. I was no longer focusing on little pet peaves, I was seeing her for the beauty and the person I fell in love with so long ago.

Fitter Happier

So it has been a few days since I decided to accept the change. I am noticing the effects of the change and they so far have been good. I am still not sure if I am confortable with how I feel now though. It feels almost not natural, in the sense that I have not felt like this for as long as I can remember.