...taking me where I want to be..

Yesterday, today and tomorrow I will be on a journey. One that has no destination that I am aware of. I travel along the road, not noticing the simple things that should bring a smile. Instead, I keep on traveling not knowing what I am trying to reach. The window I look thru separates me from feelings. The glass is an impervious barrier that no emotions can get thru. Nothing touches me.

But thru the glass others see me. Like the warm light of the sun, their presence slowly radiates thru. They too are on a journey. We travel our road together. I ask them to fasten their seat belt.

Echo

She’ll be my mirror
Reflect what I am
A loser and a winner
The king of siam
And my siamese twin
Alone on the river

She is wearing my t-shirt.

My wife called me this morning telling me how wonderful our soon to be 13year old daughter was this morning when she got up and getting ready for school. I tried several times during the morning to get her out of the bed and get her moving, but she would not budge. I even pulled back the covers and discovered her wearing one of my t-shirts to sleep in. ( the t-shirt says NICE(pronounced neese) in large bold letters with France in tiny letters under it).
So when my wife called me to tell me this she mentioned that she told our daughter it was a nice change for her to be cheery in the morning and the response," That will never happen again." - Yup she is mine.

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Sorry for any concern, I turned off reading because I was messing around with colors and then forgot to turn it back on. Since I normally check my site from messenger it logs me right into it and I didn't notice till I went to post before loggin into msm.

Nothing and everything

The blinking cursor offers no insight to me. It only sits there fading from full on to full off to indicate where I have left off.

I cannot get my mind to work the same way. I feel left off from the world. Tasks no longer distinguish themselves from one another.

I feel small, like a child among adults looking up for something from them. Not really noticed and not really ignored. They can’t understand what I want and so they cannot give it to me. I am the adult, unable to comprehend what I am looking for inside. No mystical solutions to fill my empty view, no logic to guide me on what to do.


It is her warmth I am missing. Not some glow of her aura, but the physical warmth she radiates. Sitting here in the air-conditioned office I can almost feel it. If I think about it long enough I can smell her as well. This fragile state she is in allows me to touch her flesh, but not enjoy it’s presence. I want to consume her when I see her. The thought of being the one instead of two is painful when it cannot be. I cannot stop thinking about it. It is the yearning that I always have, growing stronger since the beginning when I first saw her. It is that warmth I feel so close to me.

"So whatcha wearin?"

I happen to see a picture of my wife just a few minutes ago. If she had been here I would have been trying to get me some! Just had to share that urge with everyone.

"More importantly, where are YOU?"

Ah, many ways to answer that one. Instantly my brains says that question rings of transference and an attempt to turn attention to something else instead. I will answer it none the less.

I have been busy. My wife is no where ready to take on what would be her normal routine, so many things are now being handled by me besides the extra attention that she needs. She has to wear this knee-to-under-breast body suit/corset to help her abdominal muscles heal. It is crotchless( no fun with it till much, much later) that has hook and eye fasteners up both sides and then zips on top of those. She has to wear it for about another 4 weeks. Under said device is her dressing for the scars across her lower belly and up to her neo bellybutton. These things need to be changed every few hours for her comfort. Luckily her drain tubes are now out and she can shower with my supervision because the higher temps and her lighter breaths causes her to overheat and she gets light headed. Repositioning of pillows in a bed I harldy get to sleep in calls every 30-45 minutes. The caregiver life is draining me.

tune in

Lacking the ability to write at this moment. The distraction of my blog, no longer well, um, distracts me. Too many things take focus in my mind that randomly seem more important when they are recognized.

I have passed thru the electronic windows of my friends' houses and peered in, but didn't stop by to talk. There is one though that I stopped, stared and wonder where she went.

I feel odd, in control yet in servitude. I tend to my wife's every need because of her discomfort. I see her still as beautiful as ever even with drain tubes hanging from her waiting for me to drain. Her scars fade into her to where I do not see them, but only her. I long for the day that I can hold her tightly without hurting her.

Why must I be blind to the simple happiness that I am surrounded by?

Maybe I should shave today.

Maybe we could be figs even.