American Standard

I don’t know how to react anymore. I have placed myself in a state of perpetual motion, moving through life without touching it. At least that is how I feel. I know that what I do from day to day does affect others. I know that my action and words can mend and hurt. Deep down I care, but I don’t want the world to know. I don’t want the world to be able to take advantage of the hidden kindness. I want to be unnoticed. I want to be seen but not questioned. I do not want any recognition for what should be normal. I do not like putting on the mask of joy for every little event around me. Even though every event could be seen as special, I do not feel like they are. This display, to me, lessens the value of true joy and happiness. It must be done though to avoid the possible detrimental effects of others. It is said to be selfish to only think of oneself, but what if no one else thinks of you? Someone left an empty roll.

Where do you want to go today?

Can't really think of anyting special to say today. So instead I am going to post my desktop from work. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Here is my desktop without some applications running.

The thrill-a-minute excitement of windows. By the way, Windows turns 20 this year.

No guarantees

During the holidays you often get calls from friends and family that you haven’t heard from all year long. The pleasant conversations across the wires and cables strung across the world begin. As the calls come in you get into the routine of catching up. You repeat the same message over and over. I was doing that this past week, except for one day. A friend called who is also the parent of my daughter’s close friend. Since my daughter switched schools she hasn’t been hanging around the same people on the weekends. This friend still calls to chat and such. Well the mom called to talk to me because a mutual friend of our daughters was killed the day before thanksgiving. She had called to let us know and explained the events and when services were to be held. My daughter is 12 and this is the first time someone has passed away, someone who she played with for years. Holiday ruckus was going on at home. The kids were being kids as I was busy prepping everything for the meal/visits. As kids go, they will often get moody when people are busy trying to get things done so the normal spats were going on with me and my pre-teen daughter because she was bored. Then I get the call and I have to talk to her about it. For face value she took it well, but after we walked out of the room, she had to spend some time alone outside away from her other siblings. I didn’t pursue her to see if she was ok, I felt it would be best to let her be. Then next evening after the meal I was thinking should I get her to go to the wake and say her final goodbyes or just let her make the choice herself. By nature she is shy and to be placed in a situation that isn’t the happiest with some stranger would not be beneficial to her personality. She chose not to go and I supported that. It still does not make it easier to let go.

Brittany was 11.

Is it really so strange

Today at work we are having an auction of baked good to raise some money for the local food bank. Being the charitable person I am(stop the snickering), I made a cake to sell and one for the masses to sample. Why bid on a delectable if you can't savor what you are bidding on? My cake is just one of twenty-three that are up for bid.

The cake.

I don't associate with my co-workers outside of work, so many of them do not really know me. I have been here offcially for 4 years, and was a contractor for about a year and a half before that. It amazed them that I am able to bake?!? Comments were made about how my wife did a good job, but I would let them know it was me who made the cakes. I would get these stunned looks and questions. Is it that odd that I can bake and cook? I do the grocery shopping. I take care of my kids. I love my wife. I can be an ass. I can fix a car. I can build furniture. I do what needs to be done. Big deal.


Update:
I kick cake ass. Starting bids on all items was $2.00. My cake went for the auction high of $31.00.

Reminder for Kay.

I couldn't help it Kay.

No new tale to tell

Nothing exciting to report right now. Um, weekend... my daughter had a friend sleep over for 2 days. that's about it.

Oh, pictures for Indi

(l-r) Raven, Onyx, and Jet

Onyx and Jet

What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

I was the oldest child of two boys. Raised by a mother who in her own ways taught me compassion and respect. When I was 16, I became the older brother to a sister. By the time she turned 3, I was already married and long away from home. So I do not know what it was like to have a sister.

I have stumbled across a few people here in this virtual world based on real feelings and thoughts that make me wish I had a sister closer to my age. I read their entries and relate. Some of them seem so close to my own feelings. Other are just a glimpse of their world. These blog sisters vary in style, mannerisms and topics. Each one has their own special appeal to me. I do not know all of their real name. I do not know what they all look like. I don't know if how I envision them fits their true person. Not really how they look, but how they are outside this almost anonymous enviroment. I would be lucky to have an older sister Kay/Rain or a twin sister Indigo/Rose.

For now though, I have to settle for them as my virtual drinking buddies. Which is pretty damn good too.

One Oh One

1. My real name is Darren.
2. Red is my favorite color.
3. I like the number 9.
4. I was born in New Orleans.
5. I am a product of the first years of Sesame Street.
6. When I was a baby I had to wear braces on my legs. Before the braces I had cast and people would ask my mom how I broke my legs, she would say “Skiing”
7. My legs weren’t broke – I have not broken any bones in my body yet.
8. My father was a biker.
9. He died from complications of a motorcycle accident when I was 8.
10. I have a brother 4 years younger than me.
11. He doesn’t remember much of our father.
12. I have known my wife since she was a freshman in high school.
13. I knew she was the one I was going to marry when I first saw her.
14. Our first child was born on our 4th anniversary.
15. Depeche Mode released Songs of Faith and Devotion that same day in the U.S.
16. Depeche Mode is one of my favorite bands.
17. Technically I have been married twice – we eloped and then one year later on the same day, we remarried in a church ceremony for everyone else.
18. I like spicy food.
19. I don't like the texture of peppers though.
20. I enjoy cooking.
21. I almost never follow recipes.
22. I have been investigated by the FBI.
23. My four children have 3 letter names that are not abbreviations of other names.
24. My eyes are hazel.
25. I have no tattoos.
26. I enjoy figuring out how something works.
27. Contrary to how I looked when I was younger, I never did any type of drugs.
28. Still have not tried.
29. I know I won’t try.
30. I can do almost anything I put my mind to.
31. except have babies
32. and maybe surgery – better with a chain saw than a scalpel.
33. I tend to listen more than talk when meeting new people.
34. This somehow intimidates people.
35. My wife’s friends were scared of me.
36. That was fun.
37. I take my kids to their friend’s b-day parties.
38. I am usually the only guy there among the soccer mom set.
39. One mom asked me to be her husband for the day at her son’s party because hers was out of town for the month.
40. I have chased a cow out of my yard.
41. I have a hard time relaxing.
42. I have been told I am adhd. Did you see that show the other night? Saying “email” over and over sort of loses meaning. Are you going to eat that?
43. I love snow.
44. I can ice skate.
45. I played hockey one year.
46. I was a DJ in college.
47. I was too mischievous in college.
48. I didn’t finish college

49. I wanted to be a teacher.
50. I’ll change a flat tire for stranded people.
51. I’ll try to help anyone who asks.
52. I want to tell people they are beautiful without them thinking I am hitting on them.
53. I am a certified ethical hacker.
54. I was an ASE Master mechanic
55. My i-pod always needs charging
56. I have made co-workers cry.
57. I am more of a ninja than a pirate.
58. I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside.
59. I wear boxer briefs.
60. I prefer pointillism over fresco
61. salty over sweet
62. I do not drink coffee
63. I fell asleep riding my bike once.
64. Brie over bleu
65. I had to find my boss' severed finger once.
66. I don't freak out in a crisis.
67. I see humor in almost everything.
68. I have a high threshold for pain.
69.
70. Stood in line for Joshua Tree tickets for two days, then got in trouble for doing that and was grounded from the show - gave the tickets away to some girls I knew.
71. I have owned and used an acoustic modem.
72. I have no musical talent.
73. I have never smoked.
74. I have a 12 foot vertical ramp in my back yard
75. I do not skate.
76. I prefer the feel of cotton.
77. I am a Libra.
78. I share the same birthday as Bob Geldolf.
79. I think this entry has too much social engineering viability.
80. I have won the halloweeen costume contest at almost every job I have had.
81. I am never satisfied with what I do.
82. I have been to Europe.
83. ...and exotic places like Appleton, Wisconsin.
84. I was into me before I sold out and went corporate.
85. I miss Mike.
86. I owned a Pocket Fisherman by RONCO.
87. I have missed death three times: a)hit by a car on a motorcycle b) stupid friend fired off one round that flew right past my head c) While training for a 150 mile ride a car missed me by 3 inches as my fellow riders freaked out.
88. We are no longer friends.(see b. in 87)
89. I rode in a Mardi Gras parade.
90. During the whole route all I could think about was seeing my girlfriend(wife)
91. I would like to travel more.
92. ...and meet people.
93. I want to learn how to build a barn like the Amish do.
94. I hate shaving.
95. ...but do it anyway.
96. I just noticed my sock has a hole in it.
97. I love bacon!
98. I do the grocery shopping. I see bacon in the future.
99. I like the "Big Nasty" with sweet tea.
100. Still kisses with saliva.
101. If I could be who you wanted. All the time, all the time.

Fellowship of the ring?!? Past Part IV

Here is my wife's prom picture. The blow up section of her hand shows a small band. That band is our wedding band. We eloped a few month before her prom, during the week I was on Spring Break. We could not tell anyone that we were married because her school allowed pregnant girls to attend and not married ones. She was also a National Merit Finalist, Honor Society Member and all that fun stuff. None of our friends knew. Our parents didn't know.

Scenery

Just the other night my wife was doing some random tidying around the house when she passed in front of me. I made a little comment about enjoying the view. She then then proceeded to shake your butt in my general direction and I responded appropriately. My oldest daughter(age 12) was sitting on the far side of the room on a computer when she starts to bellow out "He likes big butts and he cannot lie!"

Thanks Sir-Mix-Alot!

Past Part III

The box contained old letters, photos, ticket stubs, stickers and just stuff from my youth. Going through some of the old items made me realize how simple our lives truly are when we are younger. Reading the old letters written to me and recalling the events around that time seem so trivial, but back then they meant a lot. Which makes me not like how old saying usually are correct. "Things will get better" or "You'll look back at this and laugh" I now find myself saying some of those same things to my kids and I get the same look I gave everyone else in my youth when I heard that stuff.

Continuing with items from my past I now present a picture circa 1988 of me and once again soon to be wife.


Footnote for Rose: Yes I had a pair of Chuck Taylor's, but in this picture I am wearing my K-Swiss High-tops. ;)

Past Part II

Here are two pictures I found in that box...

Me at 3. Boy, did I have a big forehead. I think that shirt might be back in style??!

My wife at 3. She was a blonde! Woot!

Place it in your memory - Leave it in your past - But don't forget

I happen to come across an old bag of stuff, inside and old box, buried in the closet.
Over the next few days I am going to try and post some of it.
This first one is for Indigo. If I remember correctly it was The Music for The Masses Tour.

I'll be throwing up some pictures from my past too.
Enjoy!

You spin me right round baby right round

I don't think I lead an extraordinary life by any means, but I do think I have had an uncommon number of vehicles in my life.

77 Toyota Corrola
76 Honda Civic cvcc
82 Ford Mustang
90 Geo Metro
83 Buick LeSabre
93 GMC Jimmy 4x4
93 Pontiac GrandAm
71 VW Kharmann Ghia
85 Jeep Cherokee 4x4
84 Buick Skylark
83 Honda Civic Wagon
85 Chevy S10 Pickup
88 Chevy Astro Van
90 Honda Civic Si
85 Chevey Blazer 4x4
87 Honda Civic Hatchback
88 Honda Civic LX Sedan
93 Honda Civic Coupe
93 Dodge Caravan
66 Mercury Monterey*
02 Mitsubishi Lancer OZ*
90 Civic Si (again and then a tree fell on it)
04 Suzuki XL-7*

This is just a list of the vehicles I have owned in my name. This list does not include the various honda/suzuki 2 wheels modes of transportation over the years.

* Current vehicles


What was your first car or your favorite?

Stop hogging the covers

There is no light for me to see with
Darkness, though seemingly lifeless, is not always silent
The drone of the environment subtly distracts
Not here and not gone
Dreams tiptoe in and out
Sudden warmth felt
An embrace to free the grasp of the dreams
Sounds grow stronger overcoming the drone
Even with eyes closed, radiance removes the darkness
Now there is just one complete feeling from two

World in my eyes

This space was to be my outlet for me. I envisioned it as the secret little book, in the tin box, wrapped in plastic bags, buried near some ugly bush in the back yard. That one I would dig back up to see who I was, how I felt at certain times in my life, how others made me feel and finally allowed me to just vent if needed.

I am happy to now have kindren souls who through this storage meduim on a SQL server find my feelings and thoughts interesting enough to leave a part of their own thoughts here. Their thoughts and words sometimes tie in so well that it almost feels as if they are my own.

However, sometimes their comments are just spooky...

"I don't know why, but I'm surprised to hear your wife doesn't know about your blog. Not that that's a bad thing -- or good either, I guess -- just surprising." -Kay

Kay, about 30 minutes after I made the comment to you, I was trying to figure out how to save my creation from the Donald Indigo Trump take over. I was sitting in bed with my wife tapping away moving fake stocks around and explaining this game to her. The game is based on blog value. She asked if I had a blog and I answered yes. I then asked if she would like to read it. She said only if I wanted her to. So from the sanctuary of our bed, I handed the laptop to her to read my blog. A few smiles, a few giggles and some questions on how to read it all as I moved from the bed to the chair to just walking around the room - rinse repeat. I have known my wife for close to 20 years, I should have known that she would be supportive of this effort as she has always been of me. She is the inspiration to change my jaded look on life.

Plus the sex is great. ;)

The landscape is changing

Lately it has been hard for me to concentrate at work. This new world of blogs has drawn me in, allowing me to go beyond my office and meet new people, to learn of their lives and make friendly connections. This world is so different than real life though, more compassionate and supportive. It could be that in the blog world things are not as fast paced. We are allowed to say what we want without interruption. Giving the reader a chance to hear the whole story/thought/gripe and having more time to let it settle in before they comment. I wanted this blog to be a place for me to journal the feelings I had so that I could maybe reflect on them in the future to see if I had changed in any way. Now though, I can see this blog growing into a place where I can communicate with my new friends that I have yet to meet.

I want it all

I see a river
It's oceans that I wan
tYou have to give me everything
But everything's not enough

It's my desire
To give myself to you
Sometimes

Sometimes I try
Sometimes I lie with you
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I die it's true
Somewhere I'll find something that's kind in you

And I've crossed the line again
A line I drew in sand
And still you give me everything
But everything's not enough

I'm ready but not willing
To give myself to you
Sometimes

Come on over lay down beside me
And I'll try
Come on over lay down beside me
And I'll try
And I'll try

I want it all

D.Gahan

Dear Miss Blog Manners

Being a relative newcomer to the blog scene I was wondering if there were some guidelines for me to follow.

I sometimes get asked questions in my comment section(I do enjoy the comments) and wanted to know, should I answer the questions in my comment section? I feel if I do this I am just padding my own blog.
Should I answer on the commenter's blog on their current post? I feel this is a kind way to repay the comment left for me. But at the same time leaving an almost cryptic comment on a different post.
Should I just do it in a separate blog entry?

Not what I normally talk about...

Last night was Halloween and if you copuldn't tell from the pictures my 4 kids were dress as characters from Star Wars. Today I will running out to buy Star Wars Episode III on dvd to complete their collection.