Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Knowing that the way you are is not considered balanced is shitty. Does the way I have been through out my life mean I have been doing things wrong? Where does caring stop and co-dependency start? So many things in that table apply to me. Now that I have been made more aware of these signs, will I be able to adjust my actions/thoughts accordingly without destroying all of me?

bleh

I'll get thru this and will improve my mental well being. I will improve other aspects of my life as well. I will learn to find satisfaction with what I do and who I am.

Doesn't sound all that bad...

High-level organization ability.

Competence at a wide variety of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.

Stability and resistance to panic.

Skill at diplomacy and emotional manipulation.

Resilience with a high tolerance to pain.

High energy, with good resistance to fatigue.

Good administrative skills.

The ability to defer gratification indefinitely.

Crisis intervention skills.

Strong sense of morality and of right wrong.

Loyalty and a willingness to put the needs of others before his/her own.

Capacity to never ask "Whats in this for me?"

The ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.

High level of nurturing and caretaking skills.

Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity.

Gives low priority to emotional needs and feelings.

Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and obessive-complusive behaviors.

Has low self-esteem with a very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely tolerates.

but underneath we're not so tough

What happened? What did I give into? I seemed to have played a game. Was I a specific target or just a random one for the day? I walked right into it. I know the consequences of my actions, atleast my own consequences. In the past I have been able to keep my will strong. I try to choose my responses carefully. My mind plays out the scenarios of each response. It has them down pretty good (yay mind!) Yet, somehow one response should have been controlled. Am I giving in because of the changes I want to make to myself?

I used to say things(anything)just to get reactions. I would try and learn from this. Now I am losing that feel, that reading, that slight understanding because I am not probing for reactions. It almost seem like I am the one being probed, tested, lead somewhere.

Then the moment ended. Not with a confrontation or a crescendo, just mearly an absence.

The unknown cause for silence brought about a concern. The origins of my feelings towards the one I was curious about. Even if I was a specific target or just a random one, I still have concern. That seems so weak. I care for her. I want her to be safe, respected, and loved.

Born to make mistakes

Why can't I get her out of my head? Logically thinking, in the scope of my relationships, she is barely there. I tend to think with logic, but I still feel with emotions. I feel for her in such a way that I would be willing to do for her what no one else will do. I have had these feelings before. My heart tells me it is for the goodness we should all have towards each other. My conscience tells me if not you, than who? Then my logic kicks back in. My logical mind says anything I could do can be misunderstood and confused for more than what is intended. I don't think I can be a savior or a knight. I am not sure that I would be anything. I can only be human.

It's filling me up with new life

Sometimes I want to see thru my children's eyes. To see the world as they do with wonder and excitement. To be able to find something new and special around every corner. I look at my children and the swelling of love builds up inside me. They are truly the people who can bring me happiness.

My Joy

My joy
The air that I breathe
My joy
In god I believe
My joy
You move me

My joy
The blood in my veins
My joy
Flows in your name
My joy
You move me

I'm not a mountain, no
You move me

My joy
Heavenly bliss
My joy
The pleasures I've missed
My joy
You move me

I'm not a mountain, no
You move me

-MLGore

Lift up the receiver

The phone rings and I answer it. The sounds of chaos echo across the wires thru my receiver. The sounds make it hard to concentrate. Burried within the noise is her voice. We have known each other for more than half our lives. It is her voice that I still love. It is her sounds that comfort me. It is her natural beauty that astounds me. Among all the noise I still can find love, comfort and beauty.

Are we there yet?

There is always a starting point for a destination. You set the marker for where you want things to begin. During your journey you might have to make a change in direction. The path you chose might not be clear, you might have to test the ground you travel on. Road blocks might hinder your journey. You might even change your mind on the destination. Your determination does help you get closer to your destination, but it might not be enough to actually reach it.

Silent Reality

Reality isn't absolute
Facets show different versions
My reality is a product of the events in my life - seldom optomistic
Other's reality is a product of events in their lives - varied outlook
To try and understand each other's reality is not easy
Never expected it to be
Reality is not for the weak minded
Please stand by - we are adjusting your reality

Title of entry

For a long time I have
The strength was there
My world was controlled
That was my pride
Now my strength has failed
I will become dependent
How can I have pride
Removed
Isolated
What I am
What I was
What now

Sometimes
Only sometimes
I question everything
And I'm the first to admit
If you catch me in a mood like this
I can be tiring

Even embarassing
But you must
Feel the same
When you look around
You can't tell me honestly
You're happy with what you see
Oh sometimes
Only sometimes
You must be...
You must be...
As embarassing as me
Sometimes

-MLGore

It doesn't matter two

As I lay here with you
The shame lies with us
We talk of love and trust
That doesn't matter

Though we may be the last in the world
We feel like pioneers
Telling hopes and fears
To one another

And oh what a feeling
Inside of me
It might last for an hour
Wounds aren't healing
Inside of me
Though it feels good now
I know it's only for now

The feeling is intense
You grip me with your eyes
And then I realise
It doesn't matter

-MLGore

Questionable Content

Prying eyes see things that make us wonder if things are happening. What should I do with the information I think I have. Is it worth the confrontation? Should it be overlooked for a greater good? The acquisition of the knowledge was not clean, but it is still a representaion of a possbile deeper threat. What will save me from my own mind? My mind won't let me find that answer. Stupid mind.

Is it all in my head

Main Entry: para·noia
Pronunciation: "par-a-noi-a"
Function: noun
1 : a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations
2 : a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others


I might get back to this a little later.

Later,
Paranoia has caused me to investigate somethings around me. Is it being sneaky or being cautious? Will what I find alleviate or exagerate my concerns. Why do I put myself through this? What will I gain or lose? What can I do?

Wet and wild

I live in southern Louisiana. A place that has 2 seasons - Lovebug season and Hurricane season. Neither one I enjoy. Lovebug season sucks because they are everywhere and seem to only live long enough to splattter all across the front of my car. Thousands of them die each day I drive to work and back. But with all my efforts to perform lovebug genocide, they just keep coming back each year.

The other season is worse. Hurricane season puts panic in the lives of those who do not originate from here. This panic comes from the slow buildup of the hurricane. You see, hurricanes just don't happen, then move slowly across the water. They never have a predetermined course. They often change their direction several times before eventually coming ashore. With all the slow events that take several days to carry out the media warns us of all the terrible things that could happen. How we must evaucate now to avoid the mass exodus from the cities. It is these scare tactics that make evacuations so hard to do. The hurricane does not come barreling in at some unfathomable speed, it comes in at 10-15 miles an hour. Just escape people if you feel you must, but just not all at once.

Hurricanes can be a very distructive force. People can be injured and may possibly die from hurricane related accidents. But I think that if we took precautions and did not do stupid things, then less would be a casualty of a hurricane. I really don't need the home footage of the winds blowing the the signs around while you watch from the deck of your 20' boat in the middle of the hurricane.