Glad to be me. (never thought I would say that)

Sometimes
Only sometimes
I question everything
And I'm the first to admit
If you catch me in a mood like this
I can be tiring

Ah the holidays... Nothing like family gettogethers to show how screwed up people in general, especially your own family members, can be.
This entry is about my younger brother. He is just 4 years younger and we share what I thought to be several traits in common. We are both very good at solving problems( I am talking about the male kind of problems like fixing stuff, not people). We look alike( I am taller by a few inches). We both come up with crazy ideas at the same time etc... You get the picture.

Well, lil'bro is working out of marriage #2. He wasn't even completely out of #1 when he had the wedding ceremony for #2 take place. Yeah, I was supposed to keep that a secret but, so what. Him and wife#2 separated before the hurricane hit here. Things were not working out for them and I was actually supportive of his decision. I did not think it was a smart one to begin with. So for a while I was calm inside knowing that wife#2 was no longer going to be part of our extended family.

So during the holidays I was talking to him on the phone trying to find out what my two lovely nephews would like for gifts(I really do love my nephews and no mean spirited connotations should be felt from that last statement in comparison to the entire post) when I ask my brother what is wrong. He leads on to him getting his soon to be ex-wife#2 is pregnant. Since I was in a store during the season of stupid shoppers, I suggested we finish this conversation at a later time. So Christmas eve is the time it is discussed. Apparently sometime after the hurricane they decided to get back together as a "dating" couple and were not going to get the mixed kids involved. Well shithead and shitheadess didn't think to take precautions and now she is pregnant. The thoughts of how fucking different we are ran through my head. He has cheated on past girl-friends, before meeting wife#2 he slept around with women he met on the internet for one-nighters, he is not me. I also had thoughts of our families now having to bear each other for however long pissed me off as well.

During our discussion of how he knows he was stupid and weak et al, he mentions abortion. The night goes on and I eventually leave with my kids. On the hour long drive back home I call my wife(she was sick and I didn't want her to to suffer company while under the weather) and tell her we need to talk. In my mind I could not let an unborn child die because their birth parents were too stupid to do better and possible be unwilling to care for it. When I got home and I got the kids to bed, I told her of my idea to offer to adopt if they were choosing the pre-emptive route. We are not rich people and our house fits us OK now, but we can always make room for another. She agreed and did not see this as a sacrifice. I do not see it as that either. The next day we polled the kids and they were even supportive of it. I made the call and told my brother our offer. It is still undecided on their part. I guess we will find out in the coming months.

Wild Kingdom

Look outside at the people moving round. I do not know where they go and what they have found. Could it be special? Could it be plain? Could it be something that I lost in the rain? I watch the people move and watch them talk. I see their mouths moving and drown out their words. My thoughts are not with them as I look around, instead they focus on an ant on the ground. It travels along a predetermined path , lead by those before it by some scent from their ass. As I study the ant I look up again and now see the people doing the same thing.

état d'esprit

Do you mean this horny creep
Set upon weary feet
Who looks in need of sleep
That doesn't come

This twisted, tortured mess
This bed of sinfulness
Who's longing for some rest
And feeling numb

What do you expect of me
What is it you want
Whatever you've planned for me
I'm not the one

A vicious appetite
Visits me each night
And won't be satisfied
Won't be denied

An unbearable pain
A beating in my brain
That leaves the mark of Cain
Right here inside

What am I supposed to do
When everything that I've done
Is leading me to conclude
I'm not the one

Whatever I've done
I've been staring down the barrel of a gun

Is there something you need from me
Are you having your fun
I never agreed to be
Your holy one

Whatever I've done
I've been staring down the barrel of a gun

-MLGore

Mistletoe

The druids believe that mistletoe is special because it never touches the ground, and possesses symbolic fertility qualities.
Druid Stefan Allen, from the Mistletoe Foundation, revealed just what makes mistletoe so appropriate to smooch beneath.

"Traditionally mistletoe was considered to be the semen of the gods and of the forest, because the berries contain a liquid that looks like and has the texture of semen," he said.

"This is the real reason we kiss under it at Christmas, this and because mistletoe blooms in the dark womb of wintertime."

Huddled in a circle, the druids clasped bunches of mistletoe and performed a ritual asking for the plant to bring blessings to all the homes that it was going to.
Taken from here


Mistletoe Foundation?!?

It's the most wonderful time of the year. wonderful=busy

Ah, the holidays, the time when all people should be coming together to spread peace and joy to one another. The time when kindness, patience and understanding should be on our minds.

The truth is it isn't that time of the year. It is sales time of the year. It is mass hysteria time of the year. It is everyone trying to be more that they can be time of the year. Unless you have absolutely no other person in your life, then you are busy with something related to the "Spirit of Christmas". It can be school functions - kids parties, performances, dance, or lynching.. Work related holiday cheer - parties(again), signing those thousand of corporate Christmas cards or just the little gift swap stuff( gee what do I buy for that metrosexual in accouting?!?) Then their is family stuff - who is hosting what event where, which grandparent is seeing kids in a.m. and which in p.m., turkey or ham, did you get your aunt something, who the hell is this that we are sending a card to...

You get the picture.

During these wonderous times we get busy and things tend to distract us from normal routine.

In fact, I don't recall the point of this entry.

Pinhole

I have been sick lately. So has most of my family. But while at home yesterday I tried to answer some emails and handle some work from my laptop in the bedroom. I sat on the chair typing away. My wife started to lay down in the bed and quickly drifted off to sleep as I "click click" on the keyboard. I look up to see just her face sticking out from the covers. She is about 7 feet away from me, but by looking at her I can feel her warm, soft skin. I stop typing to talk to her while she rest, all the while still mesmerized her peaceful beauty. She doesn't respond or move, only calm shows across her face. It is at that moment that the black gains a small focal point.

4B0082

Black is the absence of light. It is also the lack of reflection of color, absorbing the incoming light and reflecting nothing for the eye to see. The light that surrounds me still shines brightly, displaying such beautiful colors. Visually appealing and stimulating, it dances around the deep darkness.

I have nothing to reflect to show a color to represent me. Black being able to suck all colors into it fits. I do not live in the shadows, out of view, covered by the clouds. I live within the spectrum of light, they reflect so brightly.

I do not want to be black. It is not fun to suck the color and light from the world around me and trap it inside the darkness. I have tried to allow the bright world to be my friend; in small amounts I can see the light again. Small amounts are all I am capable of doing.

2000

Just happened to check my page status and noticed I have had 2000 views. Yip for me.

Smile and the world stares at you.

Sorry for that last entry. Just in one of those dork moods. I finished up the video I was working on for work. Everyone else was impressed by it and loved it, but I still see my mistakes in the final production. I put on the social face of being satisfied with my work so that I do not get the inquiries into what could possibly wrong with me. Master of my own puppet controlled by threads of my sanity.

on off

01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110011 01110101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100110 01110101 01110011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01101100 01101001 01100011 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000 00100000 01010100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101001 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01100111 01110010 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110010 01100111 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110011 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01101110 01110011 00101100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001 01100010 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00101110 00100000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00101110

Your time is up. See you next week.

I thought I was addicted to the Internet,
but the therapist at psychobabble.com says
it's just a phase I'm going through.

polish

The world could never be as beautiful as it is thru a child's eyes
The simple things that are so common as an adult mystify them
We grow older accepting the responsibilities of our lives only to slowly lose the youth in our thoughts
The world doesn't seem to be the same wonderous place to me
It isn't shiny

Fresh Pine Scent

If you didn't already know, let me tell you I have 4 kids. My youngest is 4. I also have 2 dogs and a cat. This time of year it is exciting for all of them. the kids know Christmas is coming with all the fun associated with it. A day or so after Thanksgiving the Christmas decorations come out and get hung around the house. The tree goes up and bulbs are checked and then we decorate um, sort of decorate. You see since we have had small children in the house for a while now we never decorate the lower half of the tree. Even with my youngest knowing to not play with the decorations we still can't decorate the lower section because the pets love to play with them. The cat thinks it is fun to try and climb the faux branches and chew on the lighting. The dogs love the soft, cuddly ornaments and some of the hard crunchy ornaments. They have no real preference in which ones to destroy.

So in the corner of the living room sit the tree with the undressed bottom. It is the Christmas strip show. Just don't ask for a lap dance, I would think it would be similar to a gyrating toilet brush in the fun zone.

I thought it was about the hops.

Too many thoughts about this one...

American Standard

I don’t know how to react anymore. I have placed myself in a state of perpetual motion, moving through life without touching it. At least that is how I feel. I know that what I do from day to day does affect others. I know that my action and words can mend and hurt. Deep down I care, but I don’t want the world to know. I don’t want the world to be able to take advantage of the hidden kindness. I want to be unnoticed. I want to be seen but not questioned. I do not want any recognition for what should be normal. I do not like putting on the mask of joy for every little event around me. Even though every event could be seen as special, I do not feel like they are. This display, to me, lessens the value of true joy and happiness. It must be done though to avoid the possible detrimental effects of others. It is said to be selfish to only think of oneself, but what if no one else thinks of you? Someone left an empty roll.

Where do you want to go today?

Can't really think of anyting special to say today. So instead I am going to post my desktop from work. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Here is my desktop without some applications running.

The thrill-a-minute excitement of windows. By the way, Windows turns 20 this year.

No guarantees

During the holidays you often get calls from friends and family that you haven’t heard from all year long. The pleasant conversations across the wires and cables strung across the world begin. As the calls come in you get into the routine of catching up. You repeat the same message over and over. I was doing that this past week, except for one day. A friend called who is also the parent of my daughter’s close friend. Since my daughter switched schools she hasn’t been hanging around the same people on the weekends. This friend still calls to chat and such. Well the mom called to talk to me because a mutual friend of our daughters was killed the day before thanksgiving. She had called to let us know and explained the events and when services were to be held. My daughter is 12 and this is the first time someone has passed away, someone who she played with for years. Holiday ruckus was going on at home. The kids were being kids as I was busy prepping everything for the meal/visits. As kids go, they will often get moody when people are busy trying to get things done so the normal spats were going on with me and my pre-teen daughter because she was bored. Then I get the call and I have to talk to her about it. For face value she took it well, but after we walked out of the room, she had to spend some time alone outside away from her other siblings. I didn’t pursue her to see if she was ok, I felt it would be best to let her be. Then next evening after the meal I was thinking should I get her to go to the wake and say her final goodbyes or just let her make the choice herself. By nature she is shy and to be placed in a situation that isn’t the happiest with some stranger would not be beneficial to her personality. She chose not to go and I supported that. It still does not make it easier to let go.

Brittany was 11.

Is it really so strange

Today at work we are having an auction of baked good to raise some money for the local food bank. Being the charitable person I am(stop the snickering), I made a cake to sell and one for the masses to sample. Why bid on a delectable if you can't savor what you are bidding on? My cake is just one of twenty-three that are up for bid.

The cake.

I don't associate with my co-workers outside of work, so many of them do not really know me. I have been here offcially for 4 years, and was a contractor for about a year and a half before that. It amazed them that I am able to bake?!? Comments were made about how my wife did a good job, but I would let them know it was me who made the cakes. I would get these stunned looks and questions. Is it that odd that I can bake and cook? I do the grocery shopping. I take care of my kids. I love my wife. I can be an ass. I can fix a car. I can build furniture. I do what needs to be done. Big deal.


Update:
I kick cake ass. Starting bids on all items was $2.00. My cake went for the auction high of $31.00.

Reminder for Kay.

I couldn't help it Kay.

No new tale to tell

Nothing exciting to report right now. Um, weekend... my daughter had a friend sleep over for 2 days. that's about it.

Oh, pictures for Indi

(l-r) Raven, Onyx, and Jet

Onyx and Jet

What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

I was the oldest child of two boys. Raised by a mother who in her own ways taught me compassion and respect. When I was 16, I became the older brother to a sister. By the time she turned 3, I was already married and long away from home. So I do not know what it was like to have a sister.

I have stumbled across a few people here in this virtual world based on real feelings and thoughts that make me wish I had a sister closer to my age. I read their entries and relate. Some of them seem so close to my own feelings. Other are just a glimpse of their world. These blog sisters vary in style, mannerisms and topics. Each one has their own special appeal to me. I do not know all of their real name. I do not know what they all look like. I don't know if how I envision them fits their true person. Not really how they look, but how they are outside this almost anonymous enviroment. I would be lucky to have an older sister Kay/Rain or a twin sister Indigo/Rose.

For now though, I have to settle for them as my virtual drinking buddies. Which is pretty damn good too.

One Oh One

1. My real name is Darren.
2. Red is my favorite color.
3. I like the number 9.
4. I was born in New Orleans.
5. I am a product of the first years of Sesame Street.
6. When I was a baby I had to wear braces on my legs. Before the braces I had cast and people would ask my mom how I broke my legs, she would say “Skiing”
7. My legs weren’t broke – I have not broken any bones in my body yet.
8. My father was a biker.
9. He died from complications of a motorcycle accident when I was 8.
10. I have a brother 4 years younger than me.
11. He doesn’t remember much of our father.
12. I have known my wife since she was a freshman in high school.
13. I knew she was the one I was going to marry when I first saw her.
14. Our first child was born on our 4th anniversary.
15. Depeche Mode released Songs of Faith and Devotion that same day in the U.S.
16. Depeche Mode is one of my favorite bands.
17. Technically I have been married twice – we eloped and then one year later on the same day, we remarried in a church ceremony for everyone else.
18. I like spicy food.
19. I don't like the texture of peppers though.
20. I enjoy cooking.
21. I almost never follow recipes.
22. I have been investigated by the FBI.
23. My four children have 3 letter names that are not abbreviations of other names.
24. My eyes are hazel.
25. I have no tattoos.
26. I enjoy figuring out how something works.
27. Contrary to how I looked when I was younger, I never did any type of drugs.
28. Still have not tried.
29. I know I won’t try.
30. I can do almost anything I put my mind to.
31. except have babies
32. and maybe surgery – better with a chain saw than a scalpel.
33. I tend to listen more than talk when meeting new people.
34. This somehow intimidates people.
35. My wife’s friends were scared of me.
36. That was fun.
37. I take my kids to their friend’s b-day parties.
38. I am usually the only guy there among the soccer mom set.
39. One mom asked me to be her husband for the day at her son’s party because hers was out of town for the month.
40. I have chased a cow out of my yard.
41. I have a hard time relaxing.
42. I have been told I am adhd. Did you see that show the other night? Saying “email” over and over sort of loses meaning. Are you going to eat that?
43. I love snow.
44. I can ice skate.
45. I played hockey one year.
46. I was a DJ in college.
47. I was too mischievous in college.
48. I didn’t finish college

49. I wanted to be a teacher.
50. I’ll change a flat tire for stranded people.
51. I’ll try to help anyone who asks.
52. I want to tell people they are beautiful without them thinking I am hitting on them.
53. I am a certified ethical hacker.
54. I was an ASE Master mechanic
55. My i-pod always needs charging
56. I have made co-workers cry.
57. I am more of a ninja than a pirate.
58. I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside.
59. I wear boxer briefs.
60. I prefer pointillism over fresco
61. salty over sweet
62. I do not drink coffee
63. I fell asleep riding my bike once.
64. Brie over bleu
65. I had to find my boss' severed finger once.
66. I don't freak out in a crisis.
67. I see humor in almost everything.
68. I have a high threshold for pain.
69.
70. Stood in line for Joshua Tree tickets for two days, then got in trouble for doing that and was grounded from the show - gave the tickets away to some girls I knew.
71. I have owned and used an acoustic modem.
72. I have no musical talent.
73. I have never smoked.
74. I have a 12 foot vertical ramp in my back yard
75. I do not skate.
76. I prefer the feel of cotton.
77. I am a Libra.
78. I share the same birthday as Bob Geldolf.
79. I think this entry has too much social engineering viability.
80. I have won the halloweeen costume contest at almost every job I have had.
81. I am never satisfied with what I do.
82. I have been to Europe.
83. ...and exotic places like Appleton, Wisconsin.
84. I was into me before I sold out and went corporate.
85. I miss Mike.
86. I owned a Pocket Fisherman by RONCO.
87. I have missed death three times: a)hit by a car on a motorcycle b) stupid friend fired off one round that flew right past my head c) While training for a 150 mile ride a car missed me by 3 inches as my fellow riders freaked out.
88. We are no longer friends.(see b. in 87)
89. I rode in a Mardi Gras parade.
90. During the whole route all I could think about was seeing my girlfriend(wife)
91. I would like to travel more.
92. ...and meet people.
93. I want to learn how to build a barn like the Amish do.
94. I hate shaving.
95. ...but do it anyway.
96. I just noticed my sock has a hole in it.
97. I love bacon!
98. I do the grocery shopping. I see bacon in the future.
99. I like the "Big Nasty" with sweet tea.
100. Still kisses with saliva.
101. If I could be who you wanted. All the time, all the time.

Fellowship of the ring?!? Past Part IV

Here is my wife's prom picture. The blow up section of her hand shows a small band. That band is our wedding band. We eloped a few month before her prom, during the week I was on Spring Break. We could not tell anyone that we were married because her school allowed pregnant girls to attend and not married ones. She was also a National Merit Finalist, Honor Society Member and all that fun stuff. None of our friends knew. Our parents didn't know.

Scenery

Just the other night my wife was doing some random tidying around the house when she passed in front of me. I made a little comment about enjoying the view. She then then proceeded to shake your butt in my general direction and I responded appropriately. My oldest daughter(age 12) was sitting on the far side of the room on a computer when she starts to bellow out "He likes big butts and he cannot lie!"

Thanks Sir-Mix-Alot!

Past Part III

The box contained old letters, photos, ticket stubs, stickers and just stuff from my youth. Going through some of the old items made me realize how simple our lives truly are when we are younger. Reading the old letters written to me and recalling the events around that time seem so trivial, but back then they meant a lot. Which makes me not like how old saying usually are correct. "Things will get better" or "You'll look back at this and laugh" I now find myself saying some of those same things to my kids and I get the same look I gave everyone else in my youth when I heard that stuff.

Continuing with items from my past I now present a picture circa 1988 of me and once again soon to be wife.


Footnote for Rose: Yes I had a pair of Chuck Taylor's, but in this picture I am wearing my K-Swiss High-tops. ;)

Past Part II

Here are two pictures I found in that box...

Me at 3. Boy, did I have a big forehead. I think that shirt might be back in style??!

My wife at 3. She was a blonde! Woot!

Place it in your memory - Leave it in your past - But don't forget

I happen to come across an old bag of stuff, inside and old box, buried in the closet.
Over the next few days I am going to try and post some of it.
This first one is for Indigo. If I remember correctly it was The Music for The Masses Tour.

I'll be throwing up some pictures from my past too.
Enjoy!

You spin me right round baby right round

I don't think I lead an extraordinary life by any means, but I do think I have had an uncommon number of vehicles in my life.

77 Toyota Corrola
76 Honda Civic cvcc
82 Ford Mustang
90 Geo Metro
83 Buick LeSabre
93 GMC Jimmy 4x4
93 Pontiac GrandAm
71 VW Kharmann Ghia
85 Jeep Cherokee 4x4
84 Buick Skylark
83 Honda Civic Wagon
85 Chevy S10 Pickup
88 Chevy Astro Van
90 Honda Civic Si
85 Chevey Blazer 4x4
87 Honda Civic Hatchback
88 Honda Civic LX Sedan
93 Honda Civic Coupe
93 Dodge Caravan
66 Mercury Monterey*
02 Mitsubishi Lancer OZ*
90 Civic Si (again and then a tree fell on it)
04 Suzuki XL-7*

This is just a list of the vehicles I have owned in my name. This list does not include the various honda/suzuki 2 wheels modes of transportation over the years.

* Current vehicles


What was your first car or your favorite?

Stop hogging the covers

There is no light for me to see with
Darkness, though seemingly lifeless, is not always silent
The drone of the environment subtly distracts
Not here and not gone
Dreams tiptoe in and out
Sudden warmth felt
An embrace to free the grasp of the dreams
Sounds grow stronger overcoming the drone
Even with eyes closed, radiance removes the darkness
Now there is just one complete feeling from two

World in my eyes

This space was to be my outlet for me. I envisioned it as the secret little book, in the tin box, wrapped in plastic bags, buried near some ugly bush in the back yard. That one I would dig back up to see who I was, how I felt at certain times in my life, how others made me feel and finally allowed me to just vent if needed.

I am happy to now have kindren souls who through this storage meduim on a SQL server find my feelings and thoughts interesting enough to leave a part of their own thoughts here. Their thoughts and words sometimes tie in so well that it almost feels as if they are my own.

However, sometimes their comments are just spooky...

"I don't know why, but I'm surprised to hear your wife doesn't know about your blog. Not that that's a bad thing -- or good either, I guess -- just surprising." -Kay

Kay, about 30 minutes after I made the comment to you, I was trying to figure out how to save my creation from the Donald Indigo Trump take over. I was sitting in bed with my wife tapping away moving fake stocks around and explaining this game to her. The game is based on blog value. She asked if I had a blog and I answered yes. I then asked if she would like to read it. She said only if I wanted her to. So from the sanctuary of our bed, I handed the laptop to her to read my blog. A few smiles, a few giggles and some questions on how to read it all as I moved from the bed to the chair to just walking around the room - rinse repeat. I have known my wife for close to 20 years, I should have known that she would be supportive of this effort as she has always been of me. She is the inspiration to change my jaded look on life.

Plus the sex is great. ;)

The landscape is changing

Lately it has been hard for me to concentrate at work. This new world of blogs has drawn me in, allowing me to go beyond my office and meet new people, to learn of their lives and make friendly connections. This world is so different than real life though, more compassionate and supportive. It could be that in the blog world things are not as fast paced. We are allowed to say what we want without interruption. Giving the reader a chance to hear the whole story/thought/gripe and having more time to let it settle in before they comment. I wanted this blog to be a place for me to journal the feelings I had so that I could maybe reflect on them in the future to see if I had changed in any way. Now though, I can see this blog growing into a place where I can communicate with my new friends that I have yet to meet.

I want it all

I see a river
It's oceans that I wan
tYou have to give me everything
But everything's not enough

It's my desire
To give myself to you
Sometimes

Sometimes I try
Sometimes I lie with you
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I die it's true
Somewhere I'll find something that's kind in you

And I've crossed the line again
A line I drew in sand
And still you give me everything
But everything's not enough

I'm ready but not willing
To give myself to you
Sometimes

Come on over lay down beside me
And I'll try
Come on over lay down beside me
And I'll try
And I'll try

I want it all

D.Gahan

Dear Miss Blog Manners

Being a relative newcomer to the blog scene I was wondering if there were some guidelines for me to follow.

I sometimes get asked questions in my comment section(I do enjoy the comments) and wanted to know, should I answer the questions in my comment section? I feel if I do this I am just padding my own blog.
Should I answer on the commenter's blog on their current post? I feel this is a kind way to repay the comment left for me. But at the same time leaving an almost cryptic comment on a different post.
Should I just do it in a separate blog entry?

Not what I normally talk about...

Last night was Halloween and if you copuldn't tell from the pictures my 4 kids were dress as characters from Star Wars. Today I will running out to buy Star Wars Episode III on dvd to complete their collection.

A Pain That I'm Used To

I haven’t been in the best of moods for the past few days. I had a David Banner/Hulk moment the other day. It started innocently enough with a call from the wife as I merged onto the crowded highway. The extra traffic is from the displaced people from Katrina taking residence here. “Can you pick up something for dinner? Somewhere there is a mushroom-bacon burger?” I ponder a minute trying to think of a place along the 20 mile drive and I answer “Sure, I’ll stop at that new Wendy’s.” She then says, “Oh, get Frosties!” After traveling about 4 miles on the interstate doing about 20 mph instead of the posted 70 mph, I make it to the exit. I get to the Wendy’s and place my order. 1 Mushroom Bacon Melt combo with a Frosty, 4 Kids Cheeseburger meals with Frosties, and one #4 with a Dr. Pepper. I get to the first window and give the young lady my debit card to pay. I ask her if she has the receipt. She says, “The next window will give it to you with your order.” I drive to the next window and wait for my order. I get handed several bags and 5 Frosties and my Dr. Pepper. I get back on the interstate and drive the remaining 15 miles or so. So far everything is fine.

I pull into my driveway and 2 of my children are outside in the front yard. They greet me and open the gate for me. As I walk up the path to the front door, I notice that there are two very large craters now in my front yard. The same front yard the wife and I spent weeks cleaning storm debris and reseeding. The grass was just starting to sprout again. My dog decided to dig two 2ft holes in the yard. Saddened and upset I continue inside and give the kids their bags and hand my wife her food. I get the dog and point out that digging = bad and put him outside on his chain far away from the front yard. I return inside and I am informed that the cheeseburger is not in the bag. Not just one, but all 4 of them are missing. So I go to look for the receipt to call the Wendy’s. Hmm, no receipt –she said I would get one at that window. Anger rising. I call information and request the number for this NEW Wendy’s at this location. “I am sorry, I don’t have a listing for it.” the person says. “I can give you these other numbers…” I get 2 other numbers for Wendy’s in the same area hoping one might have the new store’s number. I call both and neither one answer after 20 rings each. Is it getting hot in here?

I decide to drive back the 15 miles or so and see about getting the cheeseburgers since I am unable to get in touch with the Wendy’s. Traffic in the other direction was not any better than before. I get back to the Wendy’s only to be told that they are closed. It is only about 5:37 pm, but because of the Katrina aftermath many businesses are running shortened hours. I get the manager’s attention because they happen to be receiving a delivery. I tell him that I am here to get 4 cheeseburgers I did not get. He looks at me puzzled and says, “We are closed and can’t do it. Where is your receipt? Why didn’t you call?” I explained to him that I was told I would get my receipt at the second window and didn’t realize it wasn’t in the bag and I couldn’t call because I had no receipt and I could not get the number thru information and trying other stores. I am not liking how this is making me feel. I explained to him from where I had come from and he says I could have gone to the wendy’s closest to me to remedy this. I asked how could I if you did not give me a receipt? In my mind the conversation played out at this other Wendy’s with no receipt. The way the conversation was going, I felt like the manager didn’t really care that I didn’t have my food that I paid for. I explained to him that it was also the let down of my children who had been anticipating the complete meal, not just an empty bag with a toy. Me having to drive all the way back here because they also did not provide with me with a receipt. Of course I am now starting to use colorful terms because of the lack of customer service. I am demanding his name and the store number. The manager decides to close his little window and walk off.

?!?!?!!!

The delivery driver is stuck standing outside with me. I am extremely irate now. I do something stupid. A few minutes more pass and I get the manager’s attention and demand my receipt at least. After 15 minutes of him trying he finally gets it to print. (I guess pulling the power meter off the building for about 15 second might have reset something.) They probably just thought it was a recently normal power outage because of Katrina aftermath. He grabs the receipt and walks back somewhere else, then comes back with $10.00 to cover the kids’ meals.

I am still angry after all this. I call my wife and tell her all of this. I tell her to let the kids eat my food and whatever else. Something said on the phone triggers a little more anger. My anger comes home with me.


The past length of peacefulness is destroyed in a few minutes of rage. Sometime words are more harmful than the physical. Physically I broke an inanimate object, inside I broke more.



I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

It's a lot like life - Master and Servant

This weekend we held a belated birthday party for the boys. Normally their party would have been held the 1st week of Sept, but with Katrina/Rita stuff we were set back some. Why bother since it was over a month later? The kids have started a new school this year and we felt it would be in the best social interest for them to have their new friends over. This is not the point of this post.

It has become some kind of sibling tradition between my wife and sister-in-law to spend the night before the party baking and redesigning the cake a few times. During these all-night cake bake they will send me out to the store to gather other last minute supplies. Nothing special so far. But they do tend to chat about recent happenings etc. Part of the topic was how my female cousin (who they are friends with) was making little bondage Christmas ornaments for a mutual friend of theirs. Hearing attractive women talk about bondage goodies sometime makes the male mind wander. As little day dreams dance around in my head, a suddenly eerie thought pops up. In my mind I realize that I started to have little fantasies involving my cousin… No no no, must not do that. Damn southern stereotypes!

Hard to think outside the box when you can't get past the packaging tape.

The pre-regional meetings are being held here at the home office. I am not part of the pre-regional meetings. I have nothing to do with them at all, but somehow I always seem to be the one who has to step in during them and work some type of techno-magic all because the people who do the meetings don’t bother to perform a dry run. You would think that if you were going to use some equipment, you might want to make sure you know how to use it before the presentation.

Fluffy Bunny of DOOM! - kids

It's closing in to being 2 months since Katrina hit my area and many things are still not working. Since the cable infrastructure in my are is down we have no TV broadcast and no internet. The funny thing is I haven't really missed those two. I am fortunate enough to be able to spend a little time on the net from work, but when I get home I haven't had any real urge to use our temporary dial-up connection and I don't miss any TV programs.
My cell phone however is a pain. It cannot receive calls. When you dial it a message plays saying "The number you dialed is not a working number." I can receive text messages and make call, just not get any. The carrier says it is because of repairs to their system that still needs to be done. Oh well.

With the modern distractions unable to distract me, I am able to stay focused on other things around the house and in my life. I just about have the first acre of land cleared of debris from Katrina and Rita. Hopefully soon I will start working on the back 2 acres. I took a day to build our bunny(Pooky) a new outdoor living area with a nesting box inside it. He now has a 15sqft bunny pad with 25 year roofing shingles and 20 year exterior paint. I don't think he will actually live that long. Of course the kids all say they want to live in it.

Things are slowly getting back normal. The greater New Orleans area will still take some time. As for me, I don't think I can remember a better time in my life. With everything else going on in the world and locally, I feel guilty almost because I have a positive outlook right now for me and my family. I am not sure how long this feeling will last. I just needed to record it somewhere to remind me.

Feelgood, INC.

The road almost seemed to disappear under the dried leaves, but I knew it was there. The ruts made in the underlying gravel guided the car thru the turns and over the small bridge. The few houses that line the road were hardly noticeable behind the trees. The distance between the car and it's final destination shortened every second. Music played thru the car's speakers, but it was barely heard above the low pitched grumble of the tires displacing the gravel and leaves. The music didn't matter much as the car turned into the driveway and came to a halt. "Daddy is home!" from the 4 little voices was all that mattered.

Imagination

Over the weekend I did LOTS of clearing and yard work. From 7:00 am till about 11:30 pm on Saturday and 7:00 till about 5:30 pm Sunday (I had to bake my homemade lasagna and stuff myself and the kids so I cut the day short.) Since I was doing tons of work outside and I was picking up my new mower over the weekend, I had borrowed my friend's small pickup. The small pickup is often a usefull tool for carrying objects too large to fit in your sedan or small SUV. It can also be used to entertaining children. All 4 of my kids seem to love it when I borrow this truck. They play in it all day long. It can be a stage, a spaceship, a secret hideout or just about anything they can think of. The truck is it for them. Maybe I should get one just to park so they will get out of the house sometimes.

insert whimsical comment here

Too many things going on to be able to look back and write something funny about them. Maybe when the local chaos is over I can give my spin on things soon.

Deep Dish or Thin and Crispy

I can see why movies like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" were made. IT IS FUN TO DESTROY STUFF WITH A CHAINSAW! This is not my first chainsaw, but it never seems to get boring cutting stuff up while using gas powered toys, er I mean tools.

I recently decided to shave my head(again) and come to realize that the reason for hair is to stop the sweat from pouring into your eyes while you work in 100+ degree weather with close to 100% humidity(plenty of water still sitting around from the storm) All this sweat pours down my face, chest and arms. This makes small debris adhere to my skin easily. Because of the coloring of the pine trees I am cutting up, the small particles of bark and saw dust sticking to my skin looks just like the pepper seasoning that you find in pizza parlors. It looks like someone sprinkled me with the dried pepper sprinkles (when I was younger I called them the scab sprinkles)
Being that I have been outside almost all day for the past few days, i think I am more along the lines of a crispy crust than a deep dish right now.

STFU - St. Fu the patron saint of Ninja's

My skills have been honed from the recent disasters. My powers have certainly doubled, if not tripled. I am the 40CC CHAINSAW NINJA!

Lovely Hurricane Rita has decided that one week of electrical service is too much. Rita forced down a few more trees to try and isolate my family from the comforts of running water, lights, AIR CONDITIONING and the coffee pot! Rita also felt that close to 3 feet of water down my road would be our demise!

But the Chainsaw Ninja is prepared for all she could throw at us. Downed trees were no match for my well oiled chain of destruction! 30 gallons of gas and generator running brought back the basic comforts for my family. An aluminum canoe provides us safe transport from the island that my home was becoming. The family truckster was parked on the high ground allowing us to travel for supplies once we paddled to it.


Enough of that stuff...

We are without power again because a few trees took out our new power lines down my street. We also have a few feet of water still in my street. It got to within about 25 feet of my house this time, the highest it has been since we moved there about 10 years ago. It will be a while for them to restore power because of the high water still. No real damage to anything, just inconvience of no power etc.

Rain rain go away....

Hey, this weekend Hurricane Rita has decided to swing on by.. I'll hopefully be back.

It's just the dawning of our love

The past few weeks have been tiring and difficult. Physically and emotionally, the aftermath of Katrina has taken a toll on all parts of my life. There is one part though that has changed in a way I didn't really expect. There has only been one day since we evacuated that my wife and I did not fcuk. I am not talking about the 10 minute quickies, I mean 40 - 60 minute sessions. Even when we were sharing a room with the kids in the hotel, we somehow were able to have a lot of fun. With 10 people staying in my house, sleeping on inflateable mattresses, we with no air conditioning, we thoroughly enjoyed each others company. Only the one day when our youngest child slept with us that we just slept.

Being me, I tend to try and analyze things to satisfy my quest for understanding. At first I was thinking it was the thrill of being caught or atleast being over-heard by those with us. But, we have been caught before and it didn't stop us. ( many years ago we were staying at her parent's house and her father walked right in the bedroom while we were at it and started to talk to us - we didn't stop) Then I was thinking it was some stress relief because of our situation. Not too many natural things can relax you as an orgasm or two.

I think it is something more. During all this time, I felt closer to my wife than I had in years. Not the sex part, but the feel of being happy to still be with her. To still feel alive when I look at her. I was no longer focusing on little pet peaves, I was seeing her for the beauty and the person I fell in love with so long ago.

Playing The Angel

Precious

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

M.L.Gore

The sun and the rainfall

I have been gone for while due to way too many things.

During my absence Hurricane Katrina stopped by. Luckily my family is safe and very minumal damge to my house. I now have a few a few of my wife's family staying with us because they are not allowed back to their homes. 10 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a bunch of fish and 1 rabbit sharing a 3 br/2ba house that was running off a generator till yesterday at 1:40 pm.

I now can take a cold shower without making loud noises.

Luckily the devistation that took place in New Orleans and the surrounding are so far has not had an affect on my kids. The evacuation and 1 week stay in Athens, TX was more like a fun trip for them. The news showed nothing but the problems in New Orleans, but they remained happy and optimistic.

I want to tell the people of Athens "Thank You" for making us all feel welcomed. Everyone we met in Athens was very accomidating and helpful. If we weren't living out of a small hotel room we would have felt at home.

This is a strange feeling. Too many uncertainties in the area in which I work and live. Even though I know my family is ok, I don't know how the New Orleans area will do. Will people not come back? Will friends lose jobs because of businesses that cannot recover? Will this all matter?

Fitter Happier

So it has been a few days since I decided to accept the change. I am noticing the effects of the change and they so far have been good. I am still not sure if I am confortable with how I feel now though. It feels almost not natural, in the sense that I have not felt like this for as long as I can remember.

Not new, but maybe improved

The morning started like any other. Restless anticipation to wake up. The minutes slowly changing to when it won't be considered odd to be getting up. Move about the house without disturbing anyone. Even the dog doesn't notice me. Showered, shaved and dressed and I look at the small change about to happen in my life.

Let the change begin.

Flies are buzzing round my head
Vultures circling the dead
Picking up every last crumb
The big fish eat the little ones
The big fish eat the little ones
Not my problem, give me some

You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

This one's optimistic
This one went to market
This one just came out of the swamp
This one dropped a payload
Fodder for the animals
Living on animal farm

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

I'd really like to help you, man
I'd really like to help you, man
Nervous messed up marionettes
Floating around on a prison ship

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth

I'm not a mountain, no.... you move me

I am trying to loosen the grasp my insecurities have on my trust. I am looking at the world thru different eyes. Ones that do not have the taint of a jaded view. My feelings can be still be genuine. I can see the unconditional love I have overlooked.


This morning as I was getting dressed, my youngest walked down the hall with her hair messy from sleeping and her lower lip sticking out pouting. I asked what was wrong a few times and she finally pointed to the front door. I asked if she wanted me to go to the front door and she nodded yes. We walked over and I opened it. She then asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Getting ready for work." and she continued to pout. As I was tying my shoes, my wife came into the room and said, "she says she is going to miss you"

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Knowing that the way you are is not considered balanced is shitty. Does the way I have been through out my life mean I have been doing things wrong? Where does caring stop and co-dependency start? So many things in that table apply to me. Now that I have been made more aware of these signs, will I be able to adjust my actions/thoughts accordingly without destroying all of me?

bleh

I'll get thru this and will improve my mental well being. I will improve other aspects of my life as well. I will learn to find satisfaction with what I do and who I am.

Doesn't sound all that bad...

High-level organization ability.

Competence at a wide variety of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.

Stability and resistance to panic.

Skill at diplomacy and emotional manipulation.

Resilience with a high tolerance to pain.

High energy, with good resistance to fatigue.

Good administrative skills.

The ability to defer gratification indefinitely.

Crisis intervention skills.

Strong sense of morality and of right wrong.

Loyalty and a willingness to put the needs of others before his/her own.

Capacity to never ask "Whats in this for me?"

The ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.

High level of nurturing and caretaking skills.

Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity.

Gives low priority to emotional needs and feelings.

Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and obessive-complusive behaviors.

Has low self-esteem with a very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely tolerates.

but underneath we're not so tough

What happened? What did I give into? I seemed to have played a game. Was I a specific target or just a random one for the day? I walked right into it. I know the consequences of my actions, atleast my own consequences. In the past I have been able to keep my will strong. I try to choose my responses carefully. My mind plays out the scenarios of each response. It has them down pretty good (yay mind!) Yet, somehow one response should have been controlled. Am I giving in because of the changes I want to make to myself?

I used to say things(anything)just to get reactions. I would try and learn from this. Now I am losing that feel, that reading, that slight understanding because I am not probing for reactions. It almost seem like I am the one being probed, tested, lead somewhere.

Then the moment ended. Not with a confrontation or a crescendo, just mearly an absence.

The unknown cause for silence brought about a concern. The origins of my feelings towards the one I was curious about. Even if I was a specific target or just a random one, I still have concern. That seems so weak. I care for her. I want her to be safe, respected, and loved.

Born to make mistakes

Why can't I get her out of my head? Logically thinking, in the scope of my relationships, she is barely there. I tend to think with logic, but I still feel with emotions. I feel for her in such a way that I would be willing to do for her what no one else will do. I have had these feelings before. My heart tells me it is for the goodness we should all have towards each other. My conscience tells me if not you, than who? Then my logic kicks back in. My logical mind says anything I could do can be misunderstood and confused for more than what is intended. I don't think I can be a savior or a knight. I am not sure that I would be anything. I can only be human.

It's filling me up with new life

Sometimes I want to see thru my children's eyes. To see the world as they do with wonder and excitement. To be able to find something new and special around every corner. I look at my children and the swelling of love builds up inside me. They are truly the people who can bring me happiness.

My Joy

My joy
The air that I breathe
My joy
In god I believe
My joy
You move me

My joy
The blood in my veins
My joy
Flows in your name
My joy
You move me

I'm not a mountain, no
You move me

My joy
Heavenly bliss
My joy
The pleasures I've missed
My joy
You move me

I'm not a mountain, no
You move me

-MLGore

Lift up the receiver

The phone rings and I answer it. The sounds of chaos echo across the wires thru my receiver. The sounds make it hard to concentrate. Burried within the noise is her voice. We have known each other for more than half our lives. It is her voice that I still love. It is her sounds that comfort me. It is her natural beauty that astounds me. Among all the noise I still can find love, comfort and beauty.

Are we there yet?

There is always a starting point for a destination. You set the marker for where you want things to begin. During your journey you might have to make a change in direction. The path you chose might not be clear, you might have to test the ground you travel on. Road blocks might hinder your journey. You might even change your mind on the destination. Your determination does help you get closer to your destination, but it might not be enough to actually reach it.

Silent Reality

Reality isn't absolute
Facets show different versions
My reality is a product of the events in my life - seldom optomistic
Other's reality is a product of events in their lives - varied outlook
To try and understand each other's reality is not easy
Never expected it to be
Reality is not for the weak minded
Please stand by - we are adjusting your reality

Title of entry

For a long time I have
The strength was there
My world was controlled
That was my pride
Now my strength has failed
I will become dependent
How can I have pride
Removed
Isolated
What I am
What I was
What now

Sometimes
Only sometimes
I question everything
And I'm the first to admit
If you catch me in a mood like this
I can be tiring

Even embarassing
But you must
Feel the same
When you look around
You can't tell me honestly
You're happy with what you see
Oh sometimes
Only sometimes
You must be...
You must be...
As embarassing as me
Sometimes

-MLGore

It doesn't matter two

As I lay here with you
The shame lies with us
We talk of love and trust
That doesn't matter

Though we may be the last in the world
We feel like pioneers
Telling hopes and fears
To one another

And oh what a feeling
Inside of me
It might last for an hour
Wounds aren't healing
Inside of me
Though it feels good now
I know it's only for now

The feeling is intense
You grip me with your eyes
And then I realise
It doesn't matter

-MLGore

Questionable Content

Prying eyes see things that make us wonder if things are happening. What should I do with the information I think I have. Is it worth the confrontation? Should it be overlooked for a greater good? The acquisition of the knowledge was not clean, but it is still a representaion of a possbile deeper threat. What will save me from my own mind? My mind won't let me find that answer. Stupid mind.

Is it all in my head

Main Entry: para·noia
Pronunciation: "par-a-noi-a"
Function: noun
1 : a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations
2 : a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others


I might get back to this a little later.

Later,
Paranoia has caused me to investigate somethings around me. Is it being sneaky or being cautious? Will what I find alleviate or exagerate my concerns. Why do I put myself through this? What will I gain or lose? What can I do?

Wet and wild

I live in southern Louisiana. A place that has 2 seasons - Lovebug season and Hurricane season. Neither one I enjoy. Lovebug season sucks because they are everywhere and seem to only live long enough to splattter all across the front of my car. Thousands of them die each day I drive to work and back. But with all my efforts to perform lovebug genocide, they just keep coming back each year.

The other season is worse. Hurricane season puts panic in the lives of those who do not originate from here. This panic comes from the slow buildup of the hurricane. You see, hurricanes just don't happen, then move slowly across the water. They never have a predetermined course. They often change their direction several times before eventually coming ashore. With all the slow events that take several days to carry out the media warns us of all the terrible things that could happen. How we must evaucate now to avoid the mass exodus from the cities. It is these scare tactics that make evacuations so hard to do. The hurricane does not come barreling in at some unfathomable speed, it comes in at 10-15 miles an hour. Just escape people if you feel you must, but just not all at once.

Hurricanes can be a very distructive force. People can be injured and may possibly die from hurricane related accidents. But I think that if we took precautions and did not do stupid things, then less would be a casualty of a hurricane. I really don't need the home footage of the winds blowing the the signs around while you watch from the deck of your 20' boat in the middle of the hurricane.

Moodivation

Sometimes just a small chat with someone who can relate can improve your mood. They don't have to be the closest friend or even a friend, just that special person you needed to talk to at that moment.

Time keeps on slipping into the future(just not fast enough sometimes)

This is where it all begins. The start of my journal of rants and letdowns. Maybe some proud moments will be shared as well.

Today has been dragging along. I took an earlier lunch than normal with a few co-workers. Coming back to the controlled chaos of my office early has caused the clock to move slower. If I was the clock I would bust my butt and start the hours flying by so that everyone would leave this place and leave me alone. But I am not the clock.